IG Attempts the News: Now With 30% Extra Insanity + Man of Shaky Cams Phoning It In

Welcome to another IG Attempts the News. Last time, my brain nearly melted.

What tunneled vision old stories will Chris grace us with this time?

Actually before I begin, on July 19th Bores uploaded an 11 minute review(!) of Man of Steel. Well okay, the title also says he has his thoughts on the upcoming Justice League movie. Want to know a secret? It’s going to suck.
Also, Man of Steel came out last month. I know you’re often late with games but movies now? Jeez…

At the beginning, he mentions that he feels he was the only person not to like “Batman 3”. You’re not alone, not many people really liked Batman Forever. … Oh you mean The Dark Knight Rises. Well, you’re not alone in that either. A lot of people didn’t like that movie, whether it was the gaping plot holes, Bruce’s weird decision to hide for eight years, Bruce acting like an idiot around Selena Kyle, Bane’s lame death, Talia’s even lamer death, how Batman only had three major scenes in a movie that’s two and a half hours long. People had plenty to complain about.
He claims that he sees everyone praise it. Maybe you should read more forums.

And then the rest of it is him rambling about Man of Steel. Yeah, I have my limits. I really don’t care if he liked or not. If anyone is brave enough to sit through it, you have the patience of a saint.
I would attempt to sit through it, but I never saw Man of Steel. Had no interest in it, preferring to wait for it on DVD. I have heard the problems and… yeah.

Onto the news!

Continuing from July 16th 2013

“Microsoft Xbox One -- Gamers Petition For Restrictions… WHAT?!”

Like last time, we start off with another old story. The controversial petition to bring back the Xbox One’s draconian DRM. I think this is the first time Bores has ever acknowledged this issue, two months after it became public. Yes there were leaks but nothing was concrete, until the reveal that is.

Bores lists a couple of cons and pros. He seems to understand that the cons are bad, though doesn’t seem to know that the “always on” connection was changed to “once every 24 hours”. Which is still pretty bad.
However, he doesn’t seem to get the pros.
“Lower game prices” We didn’t know that would happen. A lot of Microsoft fan boys claimed this system would allow Steam-like sales. There was no proof of course, and knowing Microsoft that probably wouldn’t happen. Steam has competition, it has GOG, Direct2Drive, Origin and others.
“Microsoft’s Netflix-style system for renting games streamed straight from the internet instead of being encrypted on a CD” A luxury only US audiences could enjoy. Europe? Canada? HAHA sucks to be you! Japan? Try again next year!

He then mentions something about CDs vs. Cassettes (this isn’t really the same argument) and then claims that if anyone was offering free sundaes at Dairy Queen he would join their cause. I was wondering how long it would take to get to a food joke, and there we go. Still not funny.

Stories from July 17th 2013

“Sonic: Lost World gets a Release Date & New Moves”

He brings up the new powers shown in the trailer, and finds the music note one dumb. You do realize that these are just additional Wisp powers right? You know, the Wisps from Sonic Colors, a game that you actually played? Did you not pay attention?
Also some lame Wonder Twins jokes… whatever.

“2013 Comic Con -- Dungeons & Dragons KRE-O Sets”

I didn’t know you cared for D&D
“Now all the Irate Gamers out can throwing around figures to go along with your level 22 wizard dying.” All the Irate Gamers? You mean there’s more than one of you?! Oh wait you mean people that are just angry or something… wow that’s a really lame way to name drop your show. That would be like the Nostalgia Critic saying “To all my Nostalgia Critics out there…”

He mentions that he now wants a Magic the Gathering KRE-O set so he can slay Nicol Bolas once and for all. Not if Wizards of the Coast has anything to say.

“E3 2013 -- Buy Booth Space or Buy a Mansion?”

Ah yes, the question posed by EA higher-ups every day. “But if we invest in actual gaming, we wouldn’t be able to afford platinum door knobs for our office.”

“Accordion to Semiformal Studios, a 600 square foot space on the E3 show floor ended up running them a tab of $100,000. And that’s on the low side!” You mean space in a convention that this year got over 48,000 people in attendance is going to be… EXPENSIVE?! Gasp!
Nobody show Chris the price of Super Bowl ads, his brain would fry.
Also, “accordion to”? Are you writing these articles on your iPad with auto-correct on?

He then estimates the cost that companies are paying for E3, noting that Nintendo, Microsoft, and Sony must pay close to a million dollars. Do you know how much a million is to those three? Pocket change! Considering the AAA market dumps obscene amounts of money into a game and gets upset that selling 3.4 million copies isn’t enough, $1 million dollars is nothing!

“LEGO: The Movie Video Game in 2014”

Unsurprisingly, The Lego Movie is getting a video game tie-in.
Bores lists off every console is one (which is basically every modern one) then adds that it’s also on the Atari Jaguar, NEOGEO, and Sega Saturn adding “(just kidding… or am I?)” Yes… you are kidding. That’s not going to happen. Sorry but your jokes are still not funny.

“I wonder if LEGO’s from other LEGO video games like Batman, Indiana Jones, and Ninja Turtles will be playable in this game.” I doubt it. I know Batman and Michelangelo will show up in the movie, but I imagine the video game is another pile of legal problems not worth dealing with.
Hold on, there’s a LEGO TMNT out there? That’s the first I’m hearing of this. *looks around* There are LEGO TMNT playsets, but no video game. But double-checking facts is haaaaaaaard!

“2103 Comic-Con -- Skylanders Dread Yacht Playset that Holds Figures and Portal?!”

90 years from now, Skylanders will be big enough to have yachts? Wow, Activision hit a gold mine.
Okay seriously, that’s the second time you’ve typed out 2103 instead of 2013. Once was dumb, twice shows you just don’t care. By the way, he still hasn’t fixed the first instance. What’s the point of this site if you’re not going to try?

He’s also hoping for an exclusive Flynn figure. For those that don’t know, Flynn is an NPC. Meaning it’s not going to happen. Keep dreaming Chris.

“Selling Like Hot Cakes: XBox One, Playstation 4 Launch Bundles Sold Out”

“If you want your hands on these Consoles before Christmas, you better start looking around every nook and corner of the internet to try to score one now you lazy wait-till-the-last-minute jerk!” If I keep insulting my readers, I’ll get more fans. Logic is awesome!

“GameStop is sold out of PS4 sold out” Okay Torgo.
He ends his list of stores with Kmart and asks if they still even have an electronics section …. Yes. They do. Just because there are less stores doesn’t mean they no longer have electronics. Not funny.

Other stories:
“2013 Comic Con -- Simpsons Figures Return! NECA Making 25 Celebrity Guest Stars: First Look”

Stores from July 18th 2013

“2013 SDCC -- Batman Arkham Origins DC Collectables Figures (Batman, Bane)”

This is about figures at Comic-Con. … Yeah.
“As we speak I am preparing my fake nose and mustache disguise so I can get exclusive entrance into Comic Con as well.” Or you could just go. SDCC isn’t some exclusive event, anyone can get in. Though you’ll feel like a damn sardine doing so. Last time I went I could barely move. Three years ago there was around 130,000 people in attendance., it’s even bigger this year.

He also wonders if there will be a Black Mask figure as well. What’s your obsession with Black Mask? He’s not that amazing of a villain, he’s just a gangster.

“PlayStation 4’s Controller Originally Measured Your Sweat”

This one is just odd. Not the story itself but IG’s writing.
He says he stared at Mark Cerny for 10 minutes to get answers. What?
Then he mentions how Valve is working on sweat sensors for the next Left 4 Dead, making it sound “really intense” and to count him out of playing it. You played L4D? Oh wait I remember now, Shaolin Dave told me he played you on Steam, and you accused people of cheating. Hmmmmm.

“Parent Artist -- Scars his Children for Life in Creepy ‘Horror’ Portraits”

More pictures. The works of Joshua Hoffine, who takes pictures of his kids getting scared by stuff he edits in later. Does he take commissions? I’ve got some amazing ideas to scare children.

“Wow, and I thought I enjoyed scaring my cousins by popping out of the dark, using fake blood, or throwing them out windows…” What is wrong with you? How is your idea of a joke “I just horribly injure my cousins by defenestrating them.” That’s not funny, it’s cruel and horrid.
Also, this article is full of typos. “Creey”, “Josha”. You need an editor.

Other stories:
“Assassin’s Creed 4: Black Flag Limited Edition Video Game Bundle”
“Power Rangers Head -- Commemorates 20 years on DVD”
“Mega Man Keychain Collection”
“Skylanders SWAP FORCE Adventure Pack: Tower of Time”
“Skylanders: Swap Force -- Ultimate Character Roster Update -- 27/36 Figures!”

Stories from July 19th 2013

“2013 SDCC -- Magic the Gathering All 5 Planeswalkers Cards Exclusive”

This one is leaked images of the SDCC exclusives.

“…slip one of these bad boys into your commander deck and watch the surrounding player bow at your feet! You will be a god!” Only if you build your deck to make it work. Otherwise, you could get curb stomped easily. People have played this game for years and know every intricate secret and detail. Having an exclusive isn’t enough.

“Worlds Collide! Family Guy/Simpsons Appear in Crossover Episode 2014”

Do you hear that? That’s the sound of FOX execs flailing for ideas.
“Sounds like a great plot device already. hopefully that killer chicken thing stays out of this argument.” You realize that the giant chicken fights are done when the writers realize they don’t have enough plot to fill a 22 minute episode right? I like to think that they’re not going to waste a crossover on padding. Then again……

At least Bores isn’t saying modern Simpsons is still good. Because that’s a lie.

“2103 Comic Con -- Skylanders Swap Force New Leaked Figures (Scorp, Slobber Tooth, Boom Jet, Zoo Lou, Bumbleblast)"

Oh my god! This is the third time you’ve typed out 2103! What is your fucking excuse?
And to those asking, no he still hasn’t fixed the previous instances of this. He doesn’t care.
Oh the article itself? More Skylanders shit… I don’t care.
He makes a comment about heads rolling due to this being a leak, and saying he’ll do it for $50.00 an hour. Oh goody, more “Bores is a psycho jokes”. These are always unpleasant.

“Legend of Zelda Wii U Total Revamp in the Works! Awesome!”

I don’t like where this is going.
“If you’ve watched my Legend of Zelda rants, then you’ll know of my complaints on the series not being gritty and adult themed enough for old school NES players like myself.” *holds back rage* Chris, you have no idea what you are talking about.
All your demands for “gritty Zelda” are not only unrealistic, but idiotic! Nintendo designed the series so everyone can play it, if they limit their audience to the 18-35 demographic that companies like EA only care for, they will not only lose sales, but soooo many fans. And why do you want a gritty Zelda? Because you’re insecure about playing these so called “kiddy games”. If that’s the issue, the problem isn’t Nintendo, the problem is YOU!
People that cry about Nintendo being “kiddy” are laughed at and ridiculed now. We’ve reached a point where that’s no longer a justifiable accusation. “But I don’t want to go into a store to…” Buy it online. Easy.

“I feel like I’m playing something for kids.” Yet this doesn’t bother you about Skylanders, which is clearly meant for kids? I’m stunned nobody has pointed out this hypocrisy to you. Oh that’s right, you live in a bubble of selfishness.
Also, fantasy isn’t an adult thing. Kids like it too, just look at Harry Potter. Not every fantasy story needs to be A Song of Ice and Fire. Though that fan art would be awesome.
I’d comment about this, but that would be futile.

Anyway, he shows Eiji Aonuma’s quote about the direction he wants to take Zelda, and Bores claims he wants an audience with him because he “knows” what they need to do. That he wants something he imagined as a kid and that it needs to be like Lord of the Rings. For fuck’s sake you’re a moron! If you want something “gritty” that’s kind of like Zelda? Play Darksiders, or Demon’s Souls/Dark Souls.

By the way, when Aonuma is talking about a “different direction”, he’s talking about gameplay. Making Zelda play similar to something like Skyrim. Open world with numerous side quests, a large sense of exploration. Not BLOOD GORE TITS RAAAAAH!
I’m going to laugh when Zelda Wii U is revealed, and it looks like Wind Waker. I doubt it will be that but I know it’s probably not going to look like the tech demo.
Of course, he advertises his Wii U tech demo video that somehow went viral, saying that seeing we’ll make us want “gritty” too. Time for some truth Chris, people don’t care for “gritty” anymore. In fact I’m seeing more and more people scoff or roll their eyes at something that tries to be dark.

One more thing. In the tags he spelled Ganon wrong. He spelled it “Gannon”. Chris doesn’t seem to realize that doing that angers the Zelda fan base. Along with wanting a “gritty Zelda”. “If I piss off Zelda fans, then I’ll have tons of new fans!”

"2013 Comic Con -- Batman Arkham Origins, New Assassin Copperhead… Seriously?”

This Copperhead looks okay. She reminds me too much of Catwoman or Chesire, but we’ll see how she is in the game.
Wait, this version of Copperhead is a woman. Uh oh…

“There are a bunch of others I would’ve picked over her?” Like who?
“So yes she will be one of the 5 assassins that try to kill Batman in the game.” Five? There’s eight assassins in the game! Did you even read the articles or pay attention?

He points out that this version of Copperhead will be integrated into the DC Universe, and mentions she better not show up in Batman or else “he’ll be miffed”. Why not? Copperhead can be considered a Batman villain, his first story had him fighting Batman, Wonder Woman and Batgirl. This better not be more sexism.
Also, the first villain revealed? Not a Batman villain. Deathstroke is more of a Teen Titans villain. Yes he’s shown up in other series, but overall he was more of a Titans antagonist.

“For more news on this video game title, make sure you check out my stunning interview below!” Oh it’s “stunning” alright, it left me in a confused daze.

Other stories:
“Skylanders: Swap Force -- Lightcore, Series 2 & 3 Figures Revealed Leaks!!”
“2013 Comic-Con: Bishop Confirmed in X-Men Days of Future Past Movie”
“LEGO -- Back To The Future 2 Downtown Recreation”

Well it’s the weekend, that means Bores isn’t going to bother updating. That shall be my cue to post this.

Before I go, a couple of things I want to mention.
First, there’s a new Skylanders video on YouTube. Yeah…
Second, under “Gallery”, he added a new section. “Writer Staff”. It’s just a condensed version of his biography from “Irate Entertainment”. Not sure why you called it “staff” when you’re the only employee. Do you plan to hire other writers? You do realize that writers like to get paid right?
He does mention in this bio that Pursuit of the Paranormal will “shake up the paranormal community for years to come.” Pffft, sure Bores. Keep telling yourself that.
Serious question though, does anyone know about Bores in the paranormal community? If they do, is he actually respected or is he considered just as much of a joke there as he is in the gaming community?