IG Attempts the News: The Start of Darkness

Welcome to a new part of the blog I like to call “IG Attempts the News”. Recently, Bores has redesigned to his site to be more like a news/interest blog a/la Destructoid or Kotaku. Only far far far far far far worse. What I’m going to do is find the worst articles and mock them. It would certainly help fill the gaps of inactivity since Bores no longer cares about making videos.

I won’t go into every article as it would take too long. However, there is something bad in every single one. See for yourself and despair.

Stories from July 12th 2013

“Worlds Most Anticipated E3 Video Game EVER - PEGGLE 2! epic FAIL!”

We start off with old news! If you’re still reporting on E3 a month after it happened, you‘re doing it wrong!
“Man this dude is my number 1 pick for the E3 2013 meme.” He became a meme the instant this happened… one month ago. I’d say someone should make an Irate Slowpoke picture, but I get the feeling he wouldn’t understand it’s insulting.
Also, he unironically uses “epic fail”… twice. I see he’s attempting to be Failblog as well.

“Entering Konami Code on Vogue’s UK website Reveals Dino Easter Egg!”

Any other site would just report this. Bores has to make it perverted.
Mentioning “ogling the sexy ladies” and “sexy velociraptors with sexy hats”. Good lord man, keep your fantasies to yourself!
Also, it’s 2013. We have high-speed internet and endless access to all kinds of porn. If you need Vogue to get off, you are sheltered as hell.

“Street Fighter’s Blanka Smacking the crap out of people”

This refers to the “Blanka is a Troll” video series, which takes footage of people falling and adds Blanka in them to make him look like the culprit. It’s funnier than anything IG puts out. Bores claims this is funny because… well read this.
“Mostly because I like to pull the same pranks of people I don’t like, but I gotta go now, the cops ared my door for filling the neighbors pool with jello”. What is wrong with you? I know it’s obviously not true, but is this the impression you want to give people? That you’re an asshole that regularly gets in trouble with the law because of expensive pranks on people you don’t like for reasons I’m imagining are petty as fuck? Is this meant to be “in-character” or are you really this big of a dickhead?
James Rolfe better not appear at E3, or Bores will tape the biggest “Kick Me” sign to his back!

“LEGO Creation - Legend of Zelda NES Overworld Map”

Okay, this one doesn’t seem so horrid, pointless Zack the Lego Maniac reference aside. *clicks article*
“Just don’t drop that sucker accidentally! Link fans around the world will kill you 10 times before your bloody carcass hits the ground. Hell I will kill you 6 of those times!” … You sound like a psychopath! Do you think that gamers are just violent by nature and are trying to act that way? Newsflash: Most actual gamers are getting pretty sick of the overly violent nature of modern gaming.

“MEGA MAN Comic Con Exclusive 25th Anniversary Book! GRAB ONE FOR ME!”

“Holy crap if anyone is going, pick one of these up for me! Hook me up!” I don’t think so Chris. You don’t have a fan rich or dedicated enough to get this for you. If someone can afford the luxury of going to Comic-Con International and have enough disposable income to buy a $100 dollar limited book, they’re either going to keep it, or sell it on eBay for like $300 dollars.
Oh, you want a copy Bores? Sure, that will be $500 dollars. I’m charging you extra so you don’t have money to spend on Skylanders.

“Wow this guy is in super smash bros, in a comic con exclusive…” Yes, you know what would be nice though? If he had a new game! Oh wait, I forgot, Capcom hates Mega Man now. Because Capcom execs are dicks.
“… I swear if they announce a mega man movie is in the works, I’m gonna have to run outside in my underwear just to calm down from excitement. It would be the 3rd time this week actually.” …………I’ve got nothing.
Actually, what would constitute you doing that twice? “OH MY GOD MONOPOLY IS BACK AT MCDONALDS!”
Also, why would you want a Mega Man movie? It would suck. Well, there is a Casshern movie. That’s close enough.

“If you are going to Comic con and get one without grabbing me one, You’re gonna regret it mister!” Wow, threatening your fans. And you wonder why nobody likes you.
Wait a second, you’re begging for an item by reaching out to the internet. Wouldn’t that constitute e-begging? Oh I see, so it’s not okay for James or other people to do it, but it’s perfectly fine for you. They say hypocrisy is not healthy.

Other stories:
“TRON 3 Movie -- It’s in the works!”
“Super Mario Bros Wedding Cake -- EPIC!”

Stories from July 15th 2013

So he’s not going to update on weekends? That’s dumb. You’re not an actual news site, you’re a blog. You can update whenever you want.

“Nintendo 3DS owners -- 4 New StreetPass Games!”

Oh yeah, this update was awesome. It also happened on Friday. Unless you live in Europe or Japan, then it happened last month. No mention of how North America got it late.

He lists the four games, then the prices.
“How will you get the money to buy these? hey that’s up to you. Lie, steal, cheat, go against man code, hey I’m not judging”. … Or people can get a job? Or use the money they already have from a job? It’s only $15 dollars for the bundle, it’s not like that $100 dollar Mega Man book you’re e-begging for. Also, man code?

He also mentions the four new puzzles in Puzzle Swap.
“Well damn it. I was 3 pieces away from completing that entire game. With this new update, I’ll probably have to collect over 100 more to complete the game! SON OF A BI***! *throws 3DS into the blender*” Okay look, I know you’re the “Irate Gamer”, but the violent acts in these news stories make you sound like an anti-social moron that doesn’t understand people. You’re acting like a terrible crime drama’s depiction of a gamer.
Man, he’s going to be even more pissed next month when NoA releases the Mario & Luigi Dream Team puzzle (Europe and Japan already got it).

“Super Smash Bros Wii-U -- Character Reveal -- Captain Olimar”

“As you would guess, Nintendo is milking these character reveals for everything they got…” You need to look up the definition of “milking”. Revealing a few screenshots of a new Smash Bros character is not milking, it wasn’t even a major deal because Pikmin & Olimar were in the last game. Really it’s only a big deal if it’s a new character, or someone from Melee returns.

“Of course it does seem highly suspicious that this reveal coincides with the release of the Pikmin 3 game being released in August.” It’s not suspicious at all. It actually makes perfect sense. Cross-promotion is advertising 101. Quit acting like there’s a conspiracy.

“Well time to be like the government and spend millions of dollars just to figure out this question while I could’ve just fond out the real answer by emailing my Nintendo rep” … What? Ignoring the terrible political slam, even if you did have a Nintendo rep (which you clearly don’t), he wouldn’t know anything. He doesn’t run the new Dojo.

“2013 SDCC Exclusive -- Golden Pac-Man Avi Arad’s Limited Edition Figure”

There’s one line that stood out. This Pac-Man figurine has a long tongue, prompting Bores to say this.
“Other than putting that to good use with the ladies…” Okay seriously, what’s with the perverted Pac-Man jokes? First it’s the “sequel” to the first-person Pac-Man where we watch him have sex with Ms. Pac-Man, now it’s a joke about having a long tongue. This is all kinds of disturbing.

“Nintendo Famicom turns 30 years old today”

Oh hey, news that isn’t days late. I guess we can thank Scottie E. for that tip (going by the bottom of the article).

“Something that will probably be in History of Video games part 43 or something. lol” Oh please, like you’ll ever get that far. Also, wasn’t SNES meant be Part 40 or something? You have no idea what you’re doing do you? That seems to be a common theme.
“Happy Birthday Famicom! Thanks for making me feel so old you piece of ****!” Why are you censoring yourself? If you’re trying to look “professional”, you failed that days ago. Also, why is the censoring inconsistent? You only partially censored “bitch” up in the Streetpass article, while here you completely censor “shit”. I’d ask if he proofread this, but the insane number of typos and spelling errors tells me already.

“Super Mario Bros Still Life -- Power Up Flowers, Mushrooms, Shells & More”

Another “check out dis cool picture” post. Doesn’t seem to have much wrong until…

He thanks someone named Gary for the tip and… oooh boy.
“Hopefully he can also steal this thing for me from the artist’s house while she’s not home shopping. This would look great above my Mario pipe shaped urinal.” Woooow. You’re a sociopath Bores. This isn’t even funny, it’s just horrible.
Why would you assume that Gary knows the artist? He may have just stumbled upon, or was a fan of her work and yours and showed it to you.
Also, “not home shopping”, there are many reasons someone can leave the house. Work, school, appointments, gym, events, movies, concerts, etc. Why did your mind immediately go to shopping? Because she’s a woman? More and more evidence that Chris is a sexist pig.

Seriously, Chris is starting to really resemble Ethan from Ctrl-Alt-Del. Who keep in mind is a self-insert of Tim Buckley. They attempt to sound like “hardcore gamers” by acting like socially retarded morons that make everything about video games, no matter what. They both even have robot sidekicks in their universes! The difference is that ROB isn’t a rip-off of Bender.

“2103 SDCC Comic Con News -- LEGO Exclusive Figures”

Bores has news from 90 years in the future?! He’s a better journalist than I thought.
This post is about exclusive Comic-Con LEGO mini-figs that a lucky con-goer can win.
I’m also bringing this article up because he uses the term “happy ass” but spells it “a$$”. In the Pac-Man figure article mentioned earlier, he uses “happy ass” but spells it normally. Pick something and fucking stick with it!
Oh and he hates Spider-Woman, commenting  that nobody wants her and that if he won her in the contest, he’d be “hella pissed off”. Do you just hate super-heroines? You hate Storm, you hate She-Hulk, and now you hate Spider-Woman. This better not be more of your sexism.

“DUCKTALES Remastered -- Release Dates Confirmed”

Hooray, more old news! This one from last Thursday.
I love how he says the PR people at Capcom gave the news to him, like it wasn’t widely available for days.
He also threatens to beat up anyone that spoils the ending. Charming.
Ending on an “angreh” picture of him in front of the DuckTales box at E3.

Other stories:
“New Batch of Injustice: Gods Among Us DLC -- Martian Manhunter, John Stewart”

Stories from July 16th 2013

“2013 SDCC -- Wizards of the Coast Magic Exclusive Planeswalkers Cards (5)”

Why are you reporting on Comic Con exclusives? You’re not going.
*reads through* Oh, is this your way of telling your fans that might be going to give him stuff? There’s a pretty blatant plea in there.
He also claims he has PR rep at Wizards of the Coast. NO YOU DON’T! Quit claiming you have connections. Because you don’t!

“Angry Birds: Star Wars II -- Now it’s Skylanderish!”

Of course it is… and of course he brings it up.
He notes that he wants his upcoming game to have something like that. Until I see some god damn footage, your game isn’t real.

“Capcom Job Layoffs?!”

Aw yeah smell dat old news. Smells like turtle brains.
“Could this be a sign they are in financial trouble?” Yes! All their big titles failed too meet their expectations! Street Fighter X Tekken bombed, Resident Evil 6 bombed, DmC: Devil May Cry bombed AND alienated the fanbase. I’m pretty sure Lost Planet 3 will bomb as well. You can tell they’re desperate with Ultra Street Fighter IV.

“We recently saw THQ go bankrupt, Take Two games passed on buying booth space at E3 which sounds off the alarm bells…” First off, it’s Take-Two Interactive, not Take-Two Games. Second, this is the company in charge of Bioshock and Grand Theft Auto. They are not in trouble. They just chose not to be at E3 this year, that’s it.
“… Konami had a terrible line up at E3, and now Camcom?” Give up on Konami. They’re nothing more than MGS and that awful Castlevania reboot now. Also, PROOFREAD YOUR SHIT!

He then claims the person behind Capcom’s troubles is … Dr. Wiley. You’re still not funny, and you spelled Dr. Wily wrong. Twice. Uggggh.

“Skylanders Monopoly -- Now Corners the Board Game Market”

I’d say I’m surprised, but there’s a Monopoly board for everything. As seen here: http://www.oddee.com/item_97891.aspx And that’s just the beginning.

“Well Skylanders is not stopping with just video games, figures, carrying cases, pillows, bedsheets, McDonald Toys, and stuffed animals,” Yes, more crap you can spend your YouTube money on. And it’s creepy too since you don’t have kids
Also, the tip was sent in by a Scottie S. Do people named Scott or Scottie just like Bores? Weird.

Other stories: 
X-Men Days of Future Past -- Story Revealed, Be Prepared…

Wow… that was only three days of news.  How do you screw up something this simple? Awful jokes ranging from disturbing to disgusting, misinformation everywhere, e-begging, and somehow this is what he thinks people want? This has definitely shown an uglier side of Bores, and all the typos and grammar mistakes are so similar to “Linda” that the evidence they’re the same continues to pile up.

I will do this again. Hopefully the initial shock has worn off by then.