Sonic can move, Nicholas Cage sucks, and failed History

Okay three reviews on the block today so let’s hurry and finish them all.

His review of Sonic Unleashed on the 360, I haven’t played Unleashed yet but the reactions are very mixed. Some absolutely hate the Werehog God of War-esque stages, some say they’re a fun addition, and the few out there that adore the entire game. However Bores did the same thing as IGN and only played a few levels quickly declaring the game as crap.

0:23 – 0:30: “I was always a big fan of the Sonic games” You’re such a fucking liar Chris, if you claim to have grown up with Nintendo you never played a Sonic game. “It didn’t feel the same once it jumped to 3-D” come on Sonic Adventure was awesome! SA2 was average and everything following that sucked but Adventure was a great game.

0:31 – 0:44: Shows the opening cutscene because it’s SO important to the actual game.

0:45 – 1:02: Bores explains the story while mispronouncing captured (keptured), and werewolf (werewoof). He doesn’t explain the actual details like the Chaos Emerald corruption or Dark Gaia. But really when has he explained the story details?

1:16 – 1:30: He comments the first two levels are great as they’re what Sonic games are all about “Speed Speed Speed.” Except the early Sonic games weren’t all about speed, there were platforming elements like the Marble Zone in the first game or the Blue Sphere mini-game from the third. You had to time it just right breaking up the monotony of speeding through the game.

1:31 – 1:44: Here comes the bitching, IG starts moaning that the open-world hub stages suck. Hold on these are just the hub stages, you don’t have to spend a lot of time in them it’s there to transport from one level to the next. DUH!

1:44 – 2:13: Bores brings up the controversial Werehog stages (he doesn’t use Werehog but “Werewoof” yes he still can’t pronounce it) and if he wanted to hack n slash through enemies he’d play a fighting game. Wait a fighting game, as in Street Fighter or Soul Calibur? Those games are nothing like the Werehog stages, a far more acceptable comparison would’ve been God of War, Devil May Cry, or Ninja Gaiden. YOU LOSE! GOOD DAY SIR!

Oh and he says Sonic games should only be about speed and nothing else. Yeah he never played a Sonic game he needs to shut up.

2:14 – 2:33: IG continues to complain this time about the flying stages saying they have nothing to do with Sonic (except they were in Sonic 2 on the Genesis one of the GOLDEN AGE games you fat fuck) and whines about pressing the correct buttons. Awww what’s the matter Bores your weak mind can’t keep up with two simple buttons?

2:34 – 2:52: Bores continues with this stage saying the boss sucks because “his health meter is too long” and it’s hard to deplete it. So you’re complaining about the boss being harder then the regular enemies? *brain breaks* SLIPKNOT IS KEWL I LOVE HOT TOPIC TWLIGHT IS THE BEEEEST BOOK EVER BECAUSE IT’S SHINY VAMPIRES COOKIES *slaps self* Of course the boss is going to have a long health meter IT’S A FUCKING BOSS!

3:00 – 3:18: He says if you can get online with your “video game console” (note how he doesn’t say a specific one while showing his 360, I guess he thinks the Wii can do that… god damn it I hate this) then you can download the demo having the “best level in the entire game.” God it’s like he discovered the free online demos, did he just get an Xbox 360 the day before making that video? Also the first two levels are NOT the only speed levels, but you wouldn’t know that since you’re a lazy motherfucker that requires Game Genie and Emulators on everything WHY DO YOU PISS ME OFF SO MUCH?

3:18: “Why couldn’t they just make the entire game like the first two levels?” Because it would have been beaten in 2-3 hours, that’s not a good length when you’re paying $60 dollars, and again there are more levels like the first two you’re not a gamer stop lying and go fuck yourself.

Wow this review was horrible; he didn’t even play the entire game JUST LIKE HILARY GOLDSTEIN OF IGN! How is it Bores doesn’t understand why he gets the large amount of hate he has?

Moving on to his review of the Nicholas Cage film Knowing, and again he titles it wrong as “The Knowing.” By the way this video was released one month after his Sonic Unleashed review, just another sign of Chris Bores being a lazy fatass.

Meh just another boring movie review with the same “It was cool” statements without reasons why it was good. Oh and Reverse Funny Aneurysm Moment with the “date night” line, good luck trying to find a new girl Chris everyone has pinned you as a crook and only crazy women like that sort of thing.

After a long wait the Irate Gamer finally released his newest episode, The History of Gaming Part 1. Yes the man that believes the Genesis came out after the SNES and Turtles in Time was only on Super Nintendo is going to teach us the history of gaming. This is going to royally suck pig testicles.

Boredom sets in immediately with Bores showing random game footage and speaking in his awkward voice about “The popularity and hardships of gaming” and to find out the truth they need to “start at the beginning.” Face it Bores your credibility is hanging by a thin piece of string this last attempt to prove you’re a gamer is not going to help.

Wikipedia Quotes!

You’ve got to be kidding he’s actually reviewing Spacewar (at least a recreated flash version)! Dude you don’t have to review the actual game just give a little back story and move on to the next thing. That’s how a history lesson works in a video format you moron!

IG talks about the star in the center having gravity for some reason; well that’s what it was made for dumbfuck. I don’t believe this, when he starts explaining the hyperspace mode he greenscreens himself into a ship to “simulate” the speed. Is this why this crappy video took 3 months to make? So you could make a greenscreen effect that has no purpose in a review of a game made in 1961?! Oh and he hits the star using the SAME EXPLOSION EFFECT! My God Chris you’ve been doing this for over two years now and you still use the same cheap explosion effect!

His response “How come this stuff never happens to Captain Kirk” *cue annoying laughtrack* I bet Bores hears a laughtrack in his head, that does explain why he pauses at the end of his jokes.

More Wikipedia Quotes!

“Now believe it or not, there were two different versions of Computer Space made” Wow thanks for the useless info, are you going to review this game as well? Stupid joke time! Listing off the cabinet colors he ends on “Bob Uecker” wow this humor is just cheap. Tim & Eric make better jokes then this crap!

He keeps adding sound effects that aren’t in the game, special effects and different sounds won’t mask your dull personality Chris. Next he plays a 2-Player game and loses 2 to 64 (the latter number from the timer) and forces out a “shocked reaction.” He was playing with the Devil Bores OKAY this still isn’t funny stop pretending it is!

Bores ends Part 1 announcing the next video will be on the Magnavox Odyssey and thus the shit has hit the fan.

This video came out May 8th 2009, and a couple weeks before that on April 21st the AVGN reviewed the Magnavox Odyssey so people were pissed. I should mention that a few days before IG releases an episode he puts out a teaser of said episode (yeah I don’t get it either) and this is where the next pattern of bullshit begins.

One of the first comments mentioned the AVGN just reviewed the Odyssey and Bores responds “Did he? I’d have no idea, I don’t watch him.” Really now, you didn’t know at all? You didn’t see the hundreds of comments on the teaser video saying things like “Are you going to rip-off AVGN and review the Odyssey you hack?” These kinds of comments were deleted from your page you’re just going to deny them? You dishonest sack of crap!

The lies don’t end there, Bores has said on multiple occasions he’s friends with James Rolfe yet he’s not subscribed to him and he denies watching his videos. Wow Chris you’re a nice friend STOP LYING YOU PILE OF SHIT!
Also this video doesn’t help in IG’s case:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OEilC-CsZ1Y
I believe that’s not an alt account considering how Bores capitalizes the word “irate” in his name. In conclusion with everything the Irate Gamer says piles on more evidence that he’s a lying bastard.

If it makes you guys feel better it’s been 3 months since Part 1 and there’s very little news on the next one. This series came and went like those “breakfast rants” and I couldn’t be happier.
Next Time on Irate Gamer Sucks his film reviews of Dragonball Evolution and X-Men Origins: Wolverine, along with a review of Resident Evil 5. See ya next time.