RoboCop! Wait again?

It took eight months for the next actual IG review to come out. For someone that’s promising an “epic continuing story” and only releases new installments every 7-8 months, that’s really bad form. He makes Kentaro Miura look like Charles Schulz.

After endless build-up about this episode being the one where “things get complex”, what is he going to talk about? RoboCop on the NES. … He already reviewed that! Yeah, in his only crossover review to date.

Three years ago, game reviewer and journalist SWAGshow decided to do “30 Reviews in 30 Days”. On occasion he would bring in another reviewer to help, the event saw crossovers with Aqualng, Guru Larry, stanburdman, and neverchris. On Day 29, he brought in the Irate Gamer to help review RoboCop on the NES. You can read my recap of that idiocy here: http://irategamersucks.blogspot.com/2009/11/by-popular-demand-robocop-review.html

SWAG also happens to run GotGame, and to my knowledge the only competent reviewer to think Bores is legit. I keep bringing this up because he’s one of the fools responsible for Bores going to E3 for the third year in a row. I’m going to dread that…

Now surely Bores would be willing to acknowledge that he already did this game, and explain why he’s doing it again. He does not. Way to leave one of the only people willing to trust you in the dust.

Take a breath, and lets look at IG’s review of RoboCop for the NES.

I have to address something in the title. “The Irate Gamer Show HD Episode 2”. Episode 2? So now that you record in HD it suddenly makes it a completely new series? That would be like if The Simpsons decided to pretend the first 429 non-HD episodes never happened.

The video opens with a title card laced with link annotations saying “Watch Part 1 First!” It’s the Cool Spot video, it’s nothing related to RoboCop. Unless he means his storyline…

0:03 - 1:31: The video really starts at the Castle of Generic Name, with an all new look that I’m sure isn’t going to be explained. Inside the Evil Gamer is creating more “Odyssey clones” as the original from the last episode shows up. Good lord these robots suck. All black costumes with a visor-thing to show their “eye“, it doesn’t help they all have beer bellies making them really silly.

Evil Gamer calls the original “Red” as we see the new ones have a purple eye. Oooo menacing, kneel before our purple eyes of doom! Stop laughing!

Also, they say “Hello Dave” when they awaken. I’m convinced now, Bores hasn’t actually seen 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Evil does a systems check on his iPad. Need to control an army of generic robots? There’s an app for that.

He then goes to make a speech to the other ones, and this green screen stage is horrendous. The perspective makes Bores look like he’s 20 feet tall.

“Greetings loyal subjects of the Shadow Lord’s Army!” Wait, is it Shadow Lord or Shadow Overlord? The sign on his podium says “Shadow Lord” but which is it? Did he feel the “over” was too dramatic?

He introduces the original HAL-Bot as “R.E.D” or “Robotic Electromat Device” (that’s what it sounds like to me) and that’s why he calls him Red. You know, instead of something simple like the fact he’s the only one with a red eye and the others are purple. Just saying…

“Let me be the first to welcome you to this army and everyone here will receive a tote bag” And it’s all downhill from here.

Evil Gamer goes to report to the “big boss” as he leaves RED to debrief them. At least Evil Gamer is better as a “sniveling lap-dog” than a “petty dickhead that wants a badly-written internet review show for no reason”. Either way, his lack of origin and reason still make him an awful character.

Cue the theme! Once again, it’s Blind Pass in slow-mo. Cause a real theme song is for losers!

1:38 - 2:02: We cut to IG’s place as he’s watching… Days of our Skeletons? What follows is a soap opera parody with Ronnie and two other versions of him. This episode is going to hurt isn’t it? If you care what the plot is, Ronnie learns his wife/lover/whatever Bonnie is having an affair with his brother Dirk. Dirk is French, and Bores has a horrible French accent. Not “American Gerard Butler” bad, but more like he’s not even trying.

IG realizes he already saw this episode. How? Soap operas have new episodes every day, how are you watching a repeat?

“I guess we’ll just review another game then?” Were you planning on reviewing your unfunny Days of our Lives parody? Transitions, learn them!

2:03 - 3:00: He immediately dives for R, mispronounces Rygar (it’s said like rye bread, not ray gun) and decides on RoboCop. He clearly has the second and third game there, I wonder why he didn’t pull those out of his shelf. Then again, I’d imagine this wouldn’t come out until September if he looked at those two games as well.

Tony appears and wonders who IG is talking to. I watched Animaniacs too Chris.

This also means we get a good look at Tony’s new design. Since he’s no longer a sprite from Maplestory, I can’t call him that anymore. Instead, I’ll say this, “Look at the size of that boy’s head. That’s a virtual planetoid!” Seriously datboidrew, you’re better than this.

Tony stopped by because he left his boxing gloves here, and I love how Bores is putting zero effort into changing his voice for him. Also Wise Sage shows up, maybe he’ll somewhat save this.

Tony says he needs them so he could give his neighbor a beating, followed by his nonsensical catchphrase. Nothing says “relatable character” like a cartoon midget with possible assault charges.

That’s not the end of it. IG remarks that Tony has always been a tough guy since high school, setting up a flashback. Really, we’re supposed to believe they all went to school together? Clone High is more convincing than that.

The flashback has Tony and an alive Wise Sage walk up to IG at his locker, Tony’s hand is covered in blood because he beat up a freshmen who, according to Sage, “had it coming”. Then he starts coughing, IG tells him he should go get it checked out but he says he’s fine. I don’t see how he’s concerned, that was a pretty weak cough. I’d start getting worried when it evolves into a smoker’s cough.

He also calls him Eric, his real name. It makes me wonder how death makes him a “wise sage”, I guess he didn’t want to call him Jedi despite a Star Wars gag being the sole reason he was created.

EDIT: Two odd continuity issues. If IG and Wise Sage went to high school together, why did Sage call him "Luke" back in his first appearance? Oh that's right, pointless Star Wars gag. Also, Tony is hand-drawn in high school, yet later in his life he's a Maplestory sprite. Did he just decide being pixellated was fun for a short time than changed back? Or is it more of Bores' lack of consistency?

“A week later, he was dead” Wooow, that was bad. There are certain deliveries used to say lines like that, casually saying it isn’t funny. In fact it sounds outright insensitive.

3:01 -3:20: He FINALLY gets to the game. Look, a long set-up is okay but it should at least relate to what you’re talking about. Nothing about the first three minutes was related to RoboCop.

“This was a popular movie in the 1980’s” What year? I’m sick of your vague timestamps.

“A video game a-daption followed close behind” What the hell is an a-daption? It’s “adaptation” you dropout.

He then puts the game into his classic Toaster NES. Couldn’t handle games on the Toploader anymore? I think he switched because people kept pointing out how his Toploader wasn’t even plugged in, and the way his Toaster is set-up we can’t tell at all.

EDIT: I don't mean the Nintoaster, I mean the classic gray box NES. The "Toaster" was its nickname.

EDIT: Cody S. noted a strange edit here. He leans down to put the game in, shows the title screen, then suddenly he's holding the game again and he puts it in the console. Did he leave an extra take or something?

3:21 - 3:55: IG says that going by the opening sequence, the game might be good. What have I said about judging from the intro?

“Hell yeah, walking killing machine!” You’re aware that he upholds the law right? He doesn’t kill people unless they’re armed and refuse to cooperate. I have an inkling he hasn’t actually seen the movie.

He points out how both A & B punch, and Select does his “block attack”. That doesn’t make sense. A block is defensive, not offensive. You can‘t use your block to attack someone.

However, IG is… unintentionally correct. There’s a glitch in the game that allows you to hit enemies by blocking. IG never brings it up. Thanks to Deliverance115 for showing this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wFIcgLM6jeM

“It looks more like he’s sneezing!” *added sneeze sound* “Gesundheit” Thanks, I needed to know what a sneeze sounded like.

3:56 - 4:25: He then wonders where the jump button is. He looks at his controller and realizes there is no jump button. You didn’t try pressing Up? A lot of NES games use Up to jump. By the way, you can’t jump in this game. Then again, RoboCop weighs like 1000 pounds, I don’t think he could jump that well. Still, I would have at least tried pressing Up before going into forced constipated rage.

“What kind of shit is this?” So you’re cussing again? Make up your damn mind! Do you want to be family friendly or not? Maybe he’ll just be basic cable, they’re allowed to say “shit” on shows like Conan, Rescue Me, and Archer. Or I’m reading too deep into it and Chris Bores is extremely inconsistent with what he wants.

He mentions how there’s no “gun button” and all you can do is punch people and dogs. To the latter he says “I’m sure PETA loves this” Oh hey, the same exact joke was used in the other review with SWAG, in fact it was SWAG that said it. I get the feeling he won’t be credited for it.

4:26 - 5:08: He progresses through the level until he reaches a point where RoboCop takes out his gun. He gets pissed because derpity-do.

“DESE CONTROLS SUCK” As well as your acting.

“Newsflash jerk-off, using it through the entire game is appropriate!” I looked up info on the game, you can only use your gun in certain areas. Mostly ones with hostility and violence.

We then see him shooting enemies with added bullet sounds. “Yeah work out that aggression!” I’m so excited guys that I have to force it!

He then brings up how the amount of enemies increase when you have your gun out. See I was right, more hostility and violence.

“I can’t even take one step forward without having to kneel and fire” You just took three steps, the narration and footage are contradicting each other again.

“And this gets super repetitive too” You can always use B to punch them. Just saying…

5:09 - 6:07: He begins repeating “forward, kneel, fire” endlessly until something shoots at him. Holy shit a new explosion effect! … I should not be impressed that he has a new explosion after four years, and if it turns out to be another default effect, my face will have a date with my wall.

So what shot at him? It was ROB, back from the dead. Why don’t you just add the fucking Dragon Balls because death clearly doesn’t matter in this show.

We do get an explanation this time. Tony found him in pieces in his closet, even though we clearly saw ROB get disintegrated but I’ll take it over Kool-Aid Man’s mystery resurrection.

EDIT: In the background during Tony's shot, you can see the Magnavox Odyssey. I thought it was stolen?

IG yells at him and Wise Sage learns this was the robot that tried to kill him. Is it me or does Eric sound really bored? It’s like Bores is preventing him from actually acting.

Tony tells them he reprogrammed him to be good. Oh joy, another show with a ROB sidekick, and this will be the worst one since he doesn’t even talk.

IG goes back to the game but keeps an eye out on ROB, also more Pac-Man Fever.

6:08 - 6:26: Near the end of the first level, he sees a building for Data East, the developers and publishers of the game. He also brings up a guy jumping out and trying to kill you, believing it’s “sending out the wrong message”. I think you’re looking into that harmless plug the wrong way. A lot of companies put their name somewhere in the game, Capcom does it all the time.

6:27 - 7:09: “After a level of fighting off dogs, gun SNAFUs and Data East banditos” You don’t know what a bandito is do you?

He reaches the first level boss but doesn’t actually beat him on camera. Instead he skips to level 2. *checks online* Bingo, Game Genie codes to start on any level of RoboCop. I hate it when I’m right.

He goes on about the second level being an alley with crazy shit. I guess he needed to add a boring moment.

7:10 - 7:37: He lists off a few things and enters a courthouse section where RoboCop puts away his gun. He goes into forced anger again, wondering why he’d put away his gun. This stage is based off a scene from the movie where RoboCop didn’t use his gun, that and it’s a public courthouse. I’m not defending the game, I’m just pointing out complaints that don’t make sense.

“I guess we can gather that the mysterious fourth directive is ‘Act Like a Retard’.” That was tremendously unfunny, and insulting to the actual fourth directive from the movie. Makes me wonder if Robo-SWAG was programmed not to fire Bores or else he’d shut down too. Then again, that would require Bores to have seen the movie, and I’m starting to believe he hasn’t.

“Only a jackass would put their gun away in the middle of a fight! *growling sigh*” Grr, can’t you tell how angry I am by that intensity?

7:38 - 7:46: IG thinks the bad guys look like Flint from G.I. Joe. No, they do not. You are clearly seeing things.

7:47 - 8:45: He brings up how the standard mooks are in every level and then runs into the ED-209, which he mispronounces as well. You don’t spell it out, you say it like the name “Ed”. He then calls him a P.A.B. and explains what it means. Was it really necessary to spell out it in text too? I guess it’s the “Explain the Joke Because I’m a Hack Princible”

EDIT: He says the ED-209 "does not go down with a fight". Wow, easiest boss ever! Do you listen to yourself when you talk?

IG manages to beat ED-209 and begins taunting him to go back to his momma. This is coming from the person whose very own mother spends all her free time defending him in the comments. That’s all I have to say.

Somehow, ED-209 heard that and bursts into his room. IG is immediately saved by ROB, solidifying his extremely forced heel-face turn. Which makes me wonder why he shot at IG and Sage earlier?

IG decides it’s not a bad idea to keep him around, to have his own little RoboCop, or “ROB-o-Cop”. UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH! Holy shit that was awful. I’m still deciding if that’s worse than “Somebody call 911 cause I was ROBbed”.

Wait, I just realized. If ROB was in pieces in his closet, where did the ROB in the Aladdin video come from? Do I even care anymore?

After IG delivers that line, a cop hat magically appears on ROB as the “You got an item” jingle from Zelda plays. I don’t see the purpose since ROB doesn’t wear the hat again.

Then IG proceeds to explain the ROB-o-Cop pun. It’s official, this one is worse. At least he didn’t explain the previous ROB pun.

8:46 - 9:28: He reaches the fifth level and has to fight the main villain. Can you say his name? Clarence Boddicker. Nope, instead he brings up that he played the dad on That 70’s Show. Okay, that’s a nice little reference, I imagine other people would do the same.

“Boy that guy sure gets around” Not really, he isn’t like Christopher Walken where he shows up in almost everything. He has a pretty standard career.

IG beats him (with more added sounds) and starts the bonus round, where he kills cast members from That 70’s Show. Ohhhh… you know you could have just said he was the dad from That 70’s Show and left it at that. But nooooo you had to add random violence to other characters from the show! None of these actors had anything to do with RoboCop! Mila Kunis was four years old when it came out! Gaaaaaaah! *medicine time*

That’s the end of it right? Nope, after killing Mila he says “oops, I kind of liked her” until Wise Sage tells him she used to date Macaulay Culkin and he responds “Good riddance”. Look, if you want to make a gossip show then make a fucking gossip show. Don’t shove it into your already awful game reviews.

EDIT: To add insult to injury, the bonus stage shown isn't from RoboCop. It's from Hogan's Alley. Bores couldn't even use the correct game to shoehorn in his awful jokes.

9:29 - 10:38: IG makes it to the sixth level, and complains that RoboCop puts his gun away at one point. More complaining blah blah blah.

He reaches the final boss (the second ED-209) and asks ROB for help. I doubt his Gyros or Blocks will help you. No, somehow ROB goes into the game and blows up the boss. Stop editing the god damn game! This isn’t funny!

And it’s about that time for IG to whine about the ending. The usual “dis is all I get?” and lack of understanding. If you want an ending, watch the movie.

“See you again?! Boolshit! You’re lucky if I write you a fucking postcard!” Okay he’s back to full-on cursing. Once again, unable to make up his mind on if he wants family friendly or not.

He has ROB destroy the game, and I’m starting to believe that my “new explosion is another default” theory isn’t far off.

The video ends with Tony running in, telling him to turn on the news. IG turns on “CCN”, har har that’s… atrocious and you should be ashamed. The news shows the HAL-bots attacking the city, but frankly I’d be more concerned about all the different clones running around.

And since you guys will kill me if I don’t bring it up, one of the citizens is wearing the same clothes as the AVGN. Whether this is a coincidence or Bores taking a potshot at The Nerd, I really don’t know.

The news said the robots are taking people hostage. So are these Cybermen/Borg style robots that will assimilate everyone? It probably won’t be given how lame the writing is.

It then cuts to one of the HAL-bots running into the long-nosed guy from Monster Party, confirming that Chris is so lazy that he reuses Halloween costumes as actual characters. Bravo. It also shows if one refuses to go with them, they’ll be attacked with Looney Tunes fire.

IG notices this doesn’t look good and tells ROB to take care of them. ROB then turns to IG’s wall and somehow goes through it… I don’t know the video is over. Along with “Want more? Check out this other shit” and has links to History Part 1, Bores’ Top 10 Summer Movies, and the last I Rate the 80’s. I do wonder why he would link that considering it’s been exactly one year since he made the Garbage Pail Kids video.

Urrrgh, this was painful. Almost on par with Aladdin. Why did Tony have to come back? Nobody liked him, the fans didn’t even know his name they just called him by his catchphrase. That would be like if I called Homer Simpson “D’oh” all the time.

As usual, the complaints about the game were idiotic. Though I’m surprised he didn’t bring back some of the really bad ones from the last review, like the 8-bit version of the theme doesn’t sound as good or the animation on ED-209 is bad and Bores can do a better job.

This storyline is beyond moronic. I now have a greater appreciation for Linkara’s storylines. The fact that it takes so long for an episode to come out really kills the pacing.

I guess we’ll wait another half a year for the next episode. Oh crap, E3 is coming up. You know what, I’m just going to wait until he releases all his coverage. Because if it’s anything like last year, it’ll be a whole lot of “that looks freakin’ sweet” and “So how many levels are in the game?” Maybe SWAG will be pissed at Bores for doing another review of RoboCop and he won’t get to go again.