So it’s come to this… again. For the third year in a row, the people at GotGame took Chris Bores to E3. What do these guys see in him? I can only assume they’re exploiting his unexplained popularity to get views to their site. But here’s an idea, get people that are talented!
As I’ve said, I’m not angry at IG going to E3, just irritated. Maybe GotGame will finally drop him by next year.
Let’s get through this garbage.
I know I said was going to wait until all his coverage was out, but I felt my blog could have used an update. I didn’t feel like doing a Redux Recap and I don’t want to watch that other Mythbusters parody. There's also another big reason but you'll see that at the end.
For context, what I did was wait for a video to come out then write up on it. That way I wouldn’t have to go through 15-20 videos at once. I also marked the date to show how long it takes for him to release coverage.
Video 1: Day 1 Recap with Raychul (June 7th) http://gotgame.com/2011/06/07/e3-2011-day-1-conference-recap/
Who? She’s an interviewer for GotGame and does her own videos. I tried watching her review on Lego Pirates of the Caribbean, and she just reeks of “fake” as in Morgan Webb or iJustine fake. Most of the time the camera is focused on her, banking on the idea that gamers are perverts and if she just stands there talking people will watch her. We get it, you have boobs! It isn’t like a vlog because there was editing involved.
Oh right, the actual video. We have IG and Raychul standing next to each other, IG is holding a piece of paper that I believe is some kind of script. I say that because he keeps looking at it.
IG says that if there’s a game that’s on the 360, the Wii, and the PS3, he’ll play the PS3 version because he can just sit there and play. Psst, you can do that with the other two. You’re coming off as a PS3 fanboy Chris. Besides, it’s not like the PS3 is completely without motion control *points to Six-Axis and Move*
They talk about Star Wars Kinect and how it looks “awesome”. No no no. Even the hardened Star Wars fans can tell how crap that is.
IG brings up Ninja Gaiden III, oh I’m sorry, Ninja Gay-den III. You can tell Raychul isn’t a gamer because she hasn’t tried to correct him. I really hate people that pronounce it that way.
Blah blah blah more crap I can get better opinions about from Giant Bomb and Blistered Thumbs.
IG then brings up how he couldn’t get into Ubisoft’s conference and tells them they suck. You’re not important! Who cares that you couldn’t get in? Was it so important for you to see Mr. Caffeine?
Raychul brings up “I Am Alive”, something Bores clearly hasn’t heard of. I can tell he hasn’t because his response was “Ubisoft is really mismanaged”. By the way, I imagine Ubisoft won’t be discussing I Am Alive because the game is about surviving an earthquake, a little too soon.
Raychul brings up Last Guardian and Kingdom Hearts III. Wait for TGS for the former, and Square-Enix has said they won’t work on Kingdom Hearts III until Final Fantasy Versus XIII is finished. I know I’m not talking about Bores here but I had to clarify this.
Bores wanted God of War IV. … God of War III came out last year, be glad you’re getting anything God of War related with the ports of the PSP games.
IG mentions how Microsoft’s conference was lame and how last year’s was better. No it wasn’t! It was just as lame! Oh, he means the free 360’s. Oprah-style giveaways make everything better!
He goes on to mention the “best thing” they could get was Ice-T and you would only like if it you’re a fan of Law & Order. You do realize that Ice-T was a famous hip-hop artist and fronted a metal band, not to mention they brought him in because he’s voicing a character for Gears of War 3, one of the 360’s big titles. He had a reason for being there you unpleasable ass!
The two then sign off.
What do I make of that? You can tell Bores had no clue what Raychul was saying half the time, he kept changing the subject to something else after she brought up a game he wasn’t familiar with. Either way it was two frauds talking.
Video 2: Sony Conference Thoughts (June 7th) http://gotgame.com/2011/06/07/irates-sony-conference-thoughts/
IG starts the video saying he played the demos stationed behind the curtain.
“A lot of games I didn’t expect like Twisted Metal” Twisted Metal was announced last year, how the hell did you not expect that? Oh right, you don’t care.
He says it was only “okay”. Sounds like he kept losing.
He brings up Ninja “Gay-den” III again. IT’S GUY-DEN! Watch The Wizard god damn it.
He then moves onto Street Fighter X Tekken (he calls it Vs instead of Cross but I’ll let it slide). There’s a major audio glitch that he seriously should have spotted before sending the video to GotGame (or he uploads them to the site itself, I don’t know). He also says his favorite fighter is Cammy. There better be more reasons other than “she has a hot ass”.
Video 3: Nintendo Conference and Wii U Thoughts with Raychul (June 14th) http://gotgame.com/2011/06/13/e3-2011-nintendo-conference-wii-u-thoughts/
We start on IG and Raychul in front of some wall, IG is wearing sunglasses. They were impressed with Nintendo’s conference.
Raychul starts explaining how it works, in case you were under a rock for the six days since Wii U was announced.
IG says that Nintendo is really innovating and that Sony & Microsoft are stuck. No, I’d say they’re all innovating in some way.
Honestly the rest of the video is just “blah blah blah stuff you heard already if you actually cared to look it up when the news was fresh”.
Technically, both videos with Raychul weren’t made by Bores. They were made by “GotGame TV”. But I’m still counting them.
Video 4: Microsoft Press Conference (June 14th) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MqbEK7_58bo
For some reason this video went up on YouTube before GotGame. Strange.
“Irate Gamer’s Coverage of E3 begins!” I thought it began last week with that Sony recap?
“I won’t show the entire hour long conference” That’s why we have sites like YouTube and Gametrailers that archived it. So we can see all the Kinect-related embarrassment. Also, the conference wasn’t an hour, it was 90 minutes.
“So let’s bullet point this bad boy” Why do you talk?
“The first game they showed was Call of Duty 3” Oh wow, he got the name completely wrong. The actual Call of Duty 3 came out in 2006, this is Modern Warfare 3, the “spin-off” of sorts. If anything this is Call of Duty 8. Learn the difference.
He then recaps what happened in the demo. Somehow he made the ultra-linear shooting game even more boring.
He moves onto Tomb Raider, which he claims to be have been looking forward too. Suuuure you were, and I bet you’re totally stoked for *insert revival of classic franchise* because it was on an old console and you want to make yourself look like a total retro gamer.
Now it’s padding time! He shows part of the demo on shaky cam. It saddens me there are people dumb enough to call this the “best E3 coverage” when one can just look up the game and find much better footage of it. It’s like watching a bad Let’s Play.
Moving onto Mass Effect 3 and the use of Kinect. More shaky footage with a shot of Bores for no reason, he wasn’t even reacting to anything.
Did I mention this video is padded to hell?
He brings up the addition of YouTube, Bing and live TV. The last of which he calls “vewy cool”. Oh yeah, that way I can watch TV on my TV! … Something’s not right.
Bores lists off the Kinect games, many of which look awful. Including the boring-as-shit Star Wars, that he’s excited for. He’s probably the only one. He tells us he has a video of him playing it coming soon. Oh this will be fun. For some reason he lists the games out of order.
Then he brings up other game trailers, this isn’t how the conference happened!
He gets to Gears of War 3 and how they brought in Ice-T to “play with the host”. Host? That’s Cliff Bleszinski, the director of the game. Respect him!
Ice-T appearing prompts a reaction from a very green Bores. I have no clue what he’s trying to emote.
More demo padding, followed by Ice-T announcing Body Count’s reunion. Bores complains that they didn’t perform right there. Because a musical act that isn’t rhythm game related during the middle of a conference would completely slow it down. It was okay for Nintendo because they did it at the very beginning.
Bores then shows the trailer for Halo 4. Woo…
We cut to Bores outside, seriously what’s with the sunglasses? He then… recaps what we just saw. My God he really does think his viewers are idiots.
Well that was dumb. The worst part though? We have to suffer through the same thing with EA, Sony and Nintendo. Good thing he couldn’t get into Ubisoft… oh wait we have to see the video where he whines about that.
Video 5: EA Conference (June 15th) http://gotgame.com/2011/06/15/e3-2011-ea-press-conference-highlights/
IG starts the video saying the coolest thing about the conference was a Vince Lombardi Super Bowl trophy in the hallway. That’s a pretty weak highlight.
He says the first game they showed was Need for Speed: The Run, which is wrong because the first game they really showed was Mass Effect 3. Unrelated to the Kinect stuff from before.
He says NFS looks really cool due to a “storyline” and “getting out of the car”. Because that’s what was missing from my RACING game, fucking quicktime events! There’s a good reason I call it “Need for Speed: The Runs”.
Then some padding.
He moves onto The Sim Social, noting how you can “get it on with your fake girlfriend”. He responds to that with “uhh yeah I’ll just stick to the real thing”. You do know you can do that in the actual Sims right? I won’t resort to a cheap shot here, I really do like to think I’m better than that.
IG brings up that they filled the room with a fog machine to promote the new SSX. Am I supposed to be impressed by that? It’s a fog machine, I’ve seen plenty. Also, is it me or did he sound really awkward when saying “SSX”? Like he was trying not to accidentally say “sex”.
Followed by more padding! For being a 3 and half minute video, it feels like it won’t end.
“Pretty cool” that wasn’t even gameplay! Only say that if isn’t a CG trailer.
“But the clear highlight of this event, had to be for NFL fans, as EA promoted their newest Madden title.” Because it’s not like they release a new one every… I can’t do it. God damn it Bores! Most actual gamers stop listening during this part because they don’t give a shit about coverage of a game that comes out every year!
He then shows the part where the football players show up to… promote I think. At least Ice-T had a purpose! Those guys were there so EA can say “we got these guys, give us our annual $60 dollars for Madden”.
And… that’s it. What about Battlefield 3? That was the true highlight of the show! What the hell Bores?
I am surprised he didn’t bring up the Star Wars The Old Republic trailer and complain about it still being developed. Either way, those were awful highlights.
Video 6: Irate Gamer vs. Ubisoft (June 15th) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5XHa2oaBQc
Two videos in one day, is he improving? This video is only over a minute long so no.
This minute consists of Bores complaining that Ubisoft was mismanaged and how their a bunch of assholes and good god shut the fuck up! Do you even play Ubisoft games? Do you even care for Splinter Cell or Ghost Recon, Rayman, Far Cry, so why are you complaining?
“You don’t mess with the Irate Gamer” Grr, I’m threatening.
He then has his camera man pull out his lens cap, he presses it and somehow blows up the Ubisoft office. Because that’s the perfectly sane response to not getting into a conference, TERRORISM. What the hell is wrong with you? Even Spoony wouldn’t threaten to destroy 2K Games after the XCOM “betrayal”.
It also happens to be the exact same explosion from the RoboCop review. My guess that it would be his new default was correct, and now I am saddened.
The rest of the video is another “check out these videos” title card.
I’m flabbergasted, this was a completely daft video. You know how many other small-time journalists don’t get E3 interviews? Do they complain? Well yeah but they move on! Do not turn this into an on-going gag on your fucking show. I don’t want to see you review Rayman Origins and try to make Ubisoft sound like an evil company all because you couldn’t get into a damn conference.
This is mainly the reason I uploaded this post early. NOBODY would use an implied death threat to send a message to a big company. Was he even “in character”?
I shall wait for more awful E3 coverage. Ugh.
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