A Turkey of a Donkey Kong Review

So, Donkey Kong Country. Graphically innovative and simple to play, spawning two sequels on the SNES and a crazy collect-a-thon on the N64. When Nintendo dropped Rare, the ape went into a rut that has been fixed by Metroid Prime developer Retro Studios. Donkey Kong Country Returns is a critical hit.

So let’s watch IG gush about it and once again forget his character is supposed to be angry about things.

Before I watch the video, I’d like to commend Bores for releasing this video three days after the game came out. Yeah I was surprised to, considering that he often reviews modern games months after they come out. All three games in the 3-in-1 review were released in 2009, and the video came out May 2010.
However, this is an obvious sign that he didn’t actually beat the game. There’s another obvious one but I’ll point that out when we get there.

Video link (thanks to starofjustice for reminding me): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-JFuCZ6b7ok

0:01 - 0:16: “Happy Thanksgiving gamers!” GAH! Jeez, warn someone before you do that.
So yeah this is a special Thanksgiving video, to emphasize this there’s turkey sound effects playing. Along with a turkey appearing on the logo card. I can tell this video is going to be a real turkey.

0:17 - 0:30: “Ever since I played Donkey Kong Country Returns at E3...” We get it, you went to E3! Stop reminding us!
“Of course a game like this has a lot of expectations to live up to” I doubt people were too worried, Retro Studios hasn’t disappointed us yet.

0:31 - 0:40: “This game isn’t a bunch of bananas” As he says this a large pile of bananas falls on him. That was atrociously unfunny. How much you want to bet he’s going to do it again?

0:41 -1:00: “This fresh installment brings back everything you loved about the past installments…” This annoying redundancy is annoying and redundant.
He then explains the story without telling us the villains names. Even if they weren’t given the name in the opening, I’m sure you could open the manual and find it. Oh wait, he doesn’t read about the game HE JUST GOTTA PLAY IT!

1:01 - 1:21: Chris starts talking about the graphics in the levels, bringing up a level with a shadow motif.
“And a few of them really make a neat artistic statement”. That’s not what “artistic statement” means! It’s just a cool-looking level. An artistic statement (or artist’s statement) is a written document that explains the nature of their work. I doubt that level gives an insight into Miyamoto’s subconscious.

He also brings up how there’s remixed music from the original games. So what? Nintendo does that all the time, Kirby’s Epic Yarn was full of classic Kirby songs along with plenty of new material.

1:22 - 1:31: Chris starts talking about the gameplay, and how it stays close to the original but also adds well-deserved upgrades. Once again, Chris misuses the word “well-deserved”



1:31 - 1:50: Here Bores brings up DK’s new attacks.
“Like the ground pound” DK has always been able to do that. It just wasn’t used that much.
“And Diddy’s jetpack” Diddy’s jetpack isn’t new either. He’s had that since DK64. It’s amazing how he claims to be a fan of something yet he gets so many basic facts wrong.
He also shows off the Rocket Barrel and promptly dies. Forgetting he’s supposed to be “Irate” he just lets out a simple “oops”.

1:51 - 2:15: He starts complaining that in single-player you can only play as Donkey Kong, you can no longer tag to play as Diddy and he’s only available in co-op. Just more incentive for you to get a friend to play.
Hello footage that obviously isn’t yours.
But he says that after a while we won’t notice. Then why did you bring it up? This isn’t an issue like jerky controls or annoying sound effects that take getting used to.

2:16 - 2:42: Bores brings up elements from the original like riding animals, hidden areas, the KONG letters, and Cranky Kong. However he’s upset that Cranky isn’t an asshole. Really, because I heard he’s even crankier than before. Like if you buy a health upgrade he’ll berate you for wanting more health.
He then calls him a “damn dirty ape”. Yes I’m sure your 11 year old fans will get this joke.

2:43 - 2:49: We cut to Chris laughing at his own reference (always the sign of a great comedian) as a second pile of bananas falls on him. I knew it. Well, since he’s used it twice I guarantee he’ll use it a third time. He’s that predictable.

2:50 - 3:03: “Another thing I like about this game is that it’s not too easy, but not too hard either” Wait what?
This game wasn’t too hard? Now I know you barely played through the game. Everyone I talk to says this game is insanely difficult, like “World 9 of NSMB Wii” hard. Clearly you only played a few levels because you wouldn’t be saying “not too hard” if you actually played through the later worlds.

UPDATE: According to reader jodanranger, when the video came out Chris left a comment saying he only played for half an hour. It's since been deleted though.

3:04 - 3:20: “There aren’t many games for the Wii that I can say are a must-have”
*sighs* Super Mario Galaxy 1 & 2, Madworld, Muramasa, House of the Dead Overkill, Metroid Prime 3, Metroid Prime Trilogy, Kirby’s Epic Yarn, Super Smash Bros. Brawl, Sonic Colors, New Super Mario Bros. Wii, Mario Kart Wii, Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, Castlevania the Adventure Rebirth, Contra Rebirth, Final Fantasy IV The After Years, Mega Man 9 & 10, Resident Evil 4 Wii Editon, Sin & Punishment 1 & 2, multiple Virtual Console titles, Zack & Wiki, need I go on?

Other suggestions from my readers:
No More Heroes 1 & 2, Dokapon Kingdom, Monster Hunter Tri, Punch-Out, Dead Space: Extraction, Wii Sports and Wii Sports Resort, Epic Mickey, Little King's Story

He says this is one he can recommend and it’s “refreshing” (huh?) to play it after Kirby’s Epic Yarn which he then calls a let-down.
Why do you hate Kirby’s Epic Yarn? No seriously, why do you hate it? I thought it would be perfect for you since you literally can’t die in this game, and I know how much you hate difficulty of any sort.
Is it because you can’t eat enemies? That shouldn’t matter, it’s still a great game.
Strange how you expressed dislike for the newest Kirby game when you prominently display a Kirby plushie in your room.

So the video ends with Bores saying this game is worth the money. At least he didn’t use a bad pun.
As he closes out, a third pile of bananas is about to fall on him but he escapes in time. Gee, I wonder if another pile will fall on him as he brags about getting away. *this happens* God damn it Bores…

This video was stupid. Yeah, I gave him credit for releasing the video shortly after the game came out, but that shows he didn’t care enough to play through enough of the game. Plus, it’s kind of obvious when he said it’s “not too hard”.

So, what’s next? I guess the return of Redux Recaps until Bores releases something else. Knowing him that won’t be for a while.