IG Tries Text Reviews, Surely This Can't Backfire!

*checks IG’s channel* Nothing. *checks GotGame* Nothing. *sighs* A whole lot of nothing.
*checks site* Wait what’s this? Reviews? As in, text reviews? Holy crap, Bores is actually doing something worthwhile with his site! Sure there’s still stupid posts about “cool looking fan art” and “Star Wars stuff”, but he’s actually doing text reviews! Though I’m pretty sure they aren’t the smartest thing to do financially considering his site probably only gets a 1/100th of the views he gets on his channel (which is already crazy low).

So, what does he review? High-profile titles like GTA V, Assassin’s Creed IV or Wind Waker HD? Ahahahahahahahahahaahahahaaha no. He looks at games very few people actually care about.

First review is “Pac-Man and the Ghostly Adventures”, a multi-plat game (he’s looking at the PS3 version) based on the new CGI cartoon. Looking up the cartoon, apparently Pac-MAN is voiced by a woman. So he’s meant to be a kid? That’s one reason to have a woman play a male character. Anyway, onto the review.

“Its review day here at theirategamer.com” Review day. Fucking review day. Here’s the thing Chris, normal sites don’t have special days specifically for reviews, they do them when a game comes out. Just post them when you get them done, don’t procrastinate like you usually do.
“and Yes it’s the brand new Pac-Man game, based on a new cartoon on the Disney Channel” I’m going to stop you right there. Ghostly Adventures doesn’t air on Disney Channel, it airs on Disney XD. Yes, they are different things, just because Disney owns both doesn’t make it right. You don’t say that Agents of SHIELD airs on Disney Channel since Disney owns ABC.
“I first saw this new series promoted at the Pacman Anniversary party at E3 a few years back” Take a shot.

“So in this incarnation Pacman is in a 3D world performing all sorts of Pac stunts as chomping numerous badguys throughout any given level.” So it’s a lot like Pac-Man World 1 and 2. Surely you know about those games right? ……..
“This time around your given power ups to help you along the way.” Isn’t that what Power Pellets were? By the way, take a shot when he confuses “your” and “you’re”

“The first I found was an Icy Pac power up which helps you turn enemies to ice and freeze water fountains into ice to reach higher parts of the level. The second one was a chameleon Pac outfit which allows you to use your tongue as a weapon. Look out Mick Jagger!” Mick Jagger? What? That’s a bizarre comparison to make involving tongues. Wouldn’t Gene Simmons make more sense?
“This game doesn’t exactly redefine the wheel, but for kids who are into t  he cartoon, I’m sure that’s where the appeal for this title lies. If I had a lazy Sunday afternoon to blow a couple hours I would play this game.” Cause kids and parents are totally reading your site.

“I have got to hand it to Namco though, the controls and animations are solid. Although it is just weird hearing Pacman having a kids voice since I grew up on the cartoon in the 1980’s where Pacman had the older raspy. Ahh the good ol’ days…” The older raspy? You really couldn’t finish that sentence? Man, you’re lazy. And yes, we know you’re constantly pining for your youth, it’s rather annoying.

“So how do I rate this: Just like any 3d world platformer, it’s fun for a bit but doesn’t quite captivate. Most likely geared for kids who are into the Ratchet and Clank type games.” Ratchet & Clank? I don’t see it. If anything, this is more like Sonic Colors/Lost World, or some other generic platformer. But not Ratchet & Clank.

… Was that seriously the entire review? Wow, talk about lazy. He only mentions important features once, and I get the feeling he didn’t even beat the game. Jeez, what’s next?

Naruto Shippuden: Ultimate Ninja Storm 3 Full Burst. Wait what?! Naruto? When the hell has he ever cared for Naruto? I mean, he mentioned him once in a previous article when talking about the pre-order bonus costume for Goku in an upcoming DBZ game, but he has never shown any interest in the franchise. Did GotGame send him this? I bet this is going to hurt, and I don’t even like Naruto.

“We are continuing review day here at theirategamer.com and now we have the new Naruto Game by Namco which is Based on the manga and anime franchise.” Ya don’t fucking say!
“I am about a year or so behind in the story line but it looks like this game covers the manga rather well.” Pfffft, yeah right. You? A Naruto fan? Come on! I’ll believe it when I see it, and I don’t mean these lies you’re constantly spewing on your site. By chance you are fan, here’s a tip, stop! The series has gone so far down that it’s beyond redemption.
“Even though I had to sit through a grueling 35 minutes for this game to update before playing, uggg.” Oh boo hoo! Newsflash Chris, modern games have long install times. Now I’m glad he didn’t play GTA V, he’d whine endlessly about the installation.

“When you start off the game, you start all the way at the beginning of the story. Saving the city from the Ninetails beast, and then playing as Naruto’s dad and facing off against the masked man who’s pretty much the guy behind everything in the current manga story.” A ha hahahaahahahahaha. I better hold my tongue before I turn this into a long rant about how Obito Uchiha is one of the worst fucking villains ever put on paper. Okay, so he knows about “Tobi” and that Minato is Naruto’s dad. Maybe he is a fan… bad things will happen if I learn he’s a fan of One Piece.

“After that sequence however the story jumps ahead to the 17th season of the anime show.  (yeah I had to look that up to make sure) I’m assuming the first parts of the story are in Ninja Storm 1 and 2, but if you are playing just this game you will get pretty lost.” I doubt it. Chances are the people that buy and play this are already Naruto fans and know exactly what’s happened.
“So anyhow, it then goes into Sasuke joining the bad guys and in recent Namco Manga video game style you must fight your way through the storyline.” Isn’t that before the timeskip? Also, Namco Manga video game style? Why do you keep bringing up the manga by the way, this is clearly based on the anime. Hell, it even says “Shippuden” in the title, something reserved only for the anime.
“These battles are pretty tough. Took me quite some time to get through the Masked man fight and yes I died a few times.” Pfffft, wow that’s… something. Did you play on Normal or whatever difficulty the default is?
“Fighting games aren’t really my forte.” I’ll give him credit that he blames himself and the not the game for once.

“In between all the battles however are the long RPG type story sequences to sit through. It is pretty nice if you don’t want to sit through hours and hours of anime tv to get caught up, but if your looking for pure action, you could get bored pretty quick.” Just because it’s a lot of text, doesn’t mean it’s like an RPG. Visual novels like Ace Attorney, or action games like Zelda have a lot of text like that. Also, anyone that expects nothing but pure action out of a Shonen series is a Neanderthal that can’t appreciate tension and buildup.

“So how do I rate this? Well I think this game would only appeal to Naruto fans and people who want to check out the world of Naruto, but this is not a good place to pick up the series since so much has happened when this game picks up. Other than that, controls are great so fans of the series, check it out!” You mean the Naruto game would only appeal to Naruto fans? What a surprise!

Ugh, another terrible review. One more to go.

Lost Planet 3? That exists?
Seriously, Capcom sent this game to die. Barely anyone knows about it. I’m surprised Bores even covered it. My guess? GotGame didn’t want to touch, so they sent it to him.

“Rounding out review day is Capcom’s latest offering: Lost Planet 3.” Wrong sir, wrong. See, this is why you need to be punctual with your reviews. At the time of this posting, Capcom’s latest game is Ace Attorney: Dual Destinies. Still waiting for that retail release Capcom. This is like when he reviewed Castlevania: Harmony of Despair and called it the “latest Castlevania” even though by then, Lords of Shadow had come out. Oh God, I just realized the Harmony of Despair is the last non-LoS Castlevania. What have you done Konami?!

“This is a title that was farmed out to Western developers and a lot of people have been saying that the changes in the franchise are too severe, but let’s check it out.” You sure you’re not talking about DmC? Seriously Capcom, enough with the outsourcing.

“So in this installment the E.D.N. has fallen to an ice and snow planet and while down there you will be fighting off hordes of Aliens. You are Jim Peyton, the graphics in this game are sometimes so realistic I have to remind myself I’m only watching a video game.” PFfffffffffffftt Hahahaa. You think this is realistic? Chris, you are way too easily impressed.

“Early missions have a lot of rescuing going on and fixing things around the base with your mech. Fun fun,But the story really is deep and engaging. When progressing through the game, you’ll be wandering through iced-over tunnels, huge underground pockets, and running through wreckage.” Boy, you sure are doing a good job describing this game. Such vivid locations and such an intriguing story that you’re only inferring exists. You should win a Pulitzer!

“The Akrid Aliens and are relentless making combat fast and aggressive. This makes shooting these bad boys a bit crazy at times. Something a FPS will be accustomed too. Mech combat was a bit clunky as they aren’t very agile and your locked in at a first-person viewpoint.” Blah blah the game is ha- wait FPS? Lost Planet 3 is a third-person shooter, it’s not first-person. First-person is when you’re looking their the character’s eyes, third-person is when you see your character on the screen. That’s what’s happening here!

“So what the verdict here? If your into Scifi FPS’s that take place out in the middle of nowhere, then this one is for you. The story is rich and the no expense was spared in the background scenery.” Again, it’s a TPS, not an FPS! God you’re stupid.

And that was Chris’ first attempt at text reviews. I’d say to stick with video, but those suck too so… quit this job and become a full time editor. Stay away from the camera.
Seriously, those reviews were so half-assed. Did he beat any of those games? And he made the articles look bigger by adding a ton of pictures to them, when in reality there was barely any text. Where's the passion he had when he reviewed his own DVD on Amazon? I am not going to let that one go.

EDIT: Seems I posted this too soon. He put up another review, for... are you kidding me? Beyblade Evolution for the 3DS. Who are you targeting?
*reads through* Played with his girlfriend's kids, generic descriptions, "true to life" inability to launch toy, horrid joke where he gets angry about not getting a toy (spoiled brat), fans/kids will like it. Fuck this shit.
Personally, the one thing I got from this is that he's a Naruto fan. I really really hope he's not a One Piece fan.