Contra 2 Contra Harder

Not satisfied with pissing off real gamers by insulting Contra, he decided to release a second part and review more Contra games. This time the other two NES Contra games Super C and Contra Force.

Grab your Flamethrower and hang on.

0:33 – 0:39: “How would anyone know it’s a Contra sequel just by looking at the cover?” Gee I don’t know, how about the BIG FUCKING C ON THE FRONT!

0:54 – 1:14: IG starts ranting on Super C being much harder then the first. For fuck sake Super C is easier then the first! You just suck! Oh and the footage he shows is extremely unconvincing as he barely fires his weapon and, I’m not kidding, jumps into the enemies on purpose. The worst instance is at the first boss, where he’s just jumping around trying to avoid the enemies instead of FIRING HIS WEAPON! We’re off to a great start huh?

1:15 – 1:21: “I guess if I had a controller for a hand, I’d stand a sporting chance. But since I don’t, death is pretty much imminent.” He says this while showing a terrible photoshopped image of his hand as an NES controller. You know, boomstick545 used this picture as an example saying “After Effects do not make videos better.” He’s right on that.

1:30 – 1:36: After ranting on the aliens being tougher (pfft) the camera cuts to Bores in another wide-angle shot when a Galaga? Spaceship flies into his shoulder. Like I’ve said before, that Family Guy humor sure rots the brain. I’m serious don’t watch that crap.

1:40 – 1:56: Bores begins to whine about a power-up on a ledge that’s impossible to reach. He concludes to this diatribe with “Don’t they know that White Men Can’t Jump?” UGGGGGGGGGH next scene.

1:56 – 2:16: Since Bores is a crappy gamer and thinks Super C is harder, he starts to bitch that the game doesn’t have the 30 Lives Code, instead it has a code for 10 Lives. Well since the game is easier I think 10 Lives are reasonable oh wait look who I’m talking to.

2:17 – 2:36: You’re not going to believe this but IG says he’s going to need a Game Genie. He “obtains” one by “rubbing a magic lava lamp” (rather a bad special effect) and asks for Infinite Continues. Is there anything else I can say other then “You Suck” because that’s all I can think of. He just sucks at this.

Yes I know the AVGN used a Game Genie a couple of times but his reasons were far different. Here Chris Bores just sucks at the game and doesn’t try to beat it with his skill.

2:37 – 2:56: The Sage Douche returns and joins Bores for another 2-Player game. He attempts his badass pose again and puts sunglasses over his sunglasses? Didn’t Airplane do this joke? But it was far funnier?

2:57: “Having a second player in this game is pretty much a requirement if you’re going to reach the end.” This video is over 10 minutes people!

3:31 – 3:42: After a long time bitching and moaning about the amount of enemies (in every clip they die on purpose its un-fucking-believable) we get another strange zoomed-out shot meaning another stupid joke. Another ship from Galaga appears and Bores blows it up with his Zapper, and yes he uses the same explosion effect as every other fucking time!

3:44 – 4:00: IG reaches a level with a lowering ceiling and 6 alien orbs. I swear you have to see this to believe me but he’s not even shooting at them. He’s just standing there shooting at the side waiting for them to kill him. You know, the idea of a game review is to show an honest view of the game. Pointing out the positives and negatives and if the game is worth a purchase. What you don’t do is make the game look worse then it really is! This is the same as Super Mario Bros. 2 when he slowed down the Invincibility Star and now he’s not even shooting at the enemies.

4:39 – 4:47: “Durrr I’m not sure if I beat the game, I did not get no ending durrrr!” Last I checked the credits mean the game is over! You won!

4:48 – 5:10: After noticing the credits thank The Super C Team he flips the team off (oh yeah they’re watching your shitty video) and starts whining about how bad the game is. I can summarize his rant in one word “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

5:11: IG begins his review of Contra Force

Let’s see, game is expensive, not a real Contra game, blah blah blah. Let’s keep going.

6:25 – 6:40: He notes that nothing was changed from the original Arc Hound and compares it to Super Mario Bros. 2 and that Nintendo put Mario characters in there. Who reading this can name at least 3 memorable Contra characters? No answers? That’s because nobody fucking cares about the Contra characters! Mario was already an established franchise with memorable characters. Nobody cared about the Contra characters, they just called them “Guy with Blue Pants” and “Guy with Red Pants.” So comparing this piece of crap to SMB2 is blasphemy.

6:40: “I wonder how many people bought this expecting a Contra game durrr?” *shakes head* Contra Force came out September 1992, five months after Contra III The Alien Wars on Super Nintendo. I think people were too busy with their Super Nintendo games to care.

7:23 – 8:05: He points out the AI controlled partner but says it’s worthless due to a 5 second timer and bad AI. Yet he keeps using it? Oh and he doesn’t use the term “AI.”

8:28 – 8:38: Bores has “had enough” and decides to use the Game Genie for invincibility. By the way the effect he uses to “enter the code” has plain text fly out of the Genie and into the NES. That’s because he uses an emulator and doesn’t show him putting the Game Genie on the Cartridge.

9:07 – 9:12: After IG shows off the plane level he remarks “Too bad the jet sounds were taken from Top Gun, ah well.” He does know its common practice for companies to re-use their sounds right? He does know Top Gun and Contra Force were both developed by Konami right? *looks around and leans in* He doesn’t.

The review ends with Bores beating the game then burning it (yeah it’s another crappy special effect and jump-cut) and that next time is Contra III. So what have we learned about Super C and Contra Force? How about the fact that Chris Bores is even less legit then that manly chick from IGN, you know the one that reviewed GTA IV and Sonic Unleashed?

I mean, Super C is harder then the first? So much so it’s impossible? What is wrong with you? Again the Contra torture isn’t over with one more part to this horror. Luckily this won’t be the next part (YAAAAAY) however I will look over two other videos (technically three). His “NEO” review of WWE Smackdown vs. Raw 08 and his Top Ten Summer Movies 2008. That’s right he’s going into movie reviews now, be very VERY afraid.