IG Attempts the News: Plenty of Toys

Last time on “Chris Bores wants to be Destructoid”
So we’re just going to barely talk about video games?
I don’t know what direction I’m going!

What will this week bring?

Stories from July 29th 2013

This day started with three Skylanders articles, which were actually links to videos he posted on his YouTube channel. Since I’m tired of his Skylanders obsession, I’m not going to bother looking at any of it.

“2013 Comic Con -- Magic the Gathering: Mechanics of THEROS Pre-Release”

First actual article is MTG related… wa-hoo…

Apparently, Bores couldn’t write about this until he saw a video of the SDCC panel because all the reports were “confusing”. I’m sure they made perfect sense to a Magic veteran. Which I know you’re not.
Also, one of upcoming expansions won’t be available for 91 years. He reports the “Journey into Nyx” expansion will come out in May 2104. And I believe that’s the fourth time you’ve made this mistake. Jeez…

One of my informants noticed that Bores wants to “improve MTG” with his own ideas. You can’t even do a story right, what makes you think you can improve a card game with 20 years of rules and ideas?

“Masters of the Universe He-Man Movie -- Jon M. Chu speaks”

Who’s Jon M. Chu? *looks him up, sees Step Up 2 and 3D, Justin Bieber movie, and G.I. Joe Retaliation* Oooooh… yeah this is going to suck.

“Hasbro’s track record hasn’t been so great in the movie world…” Hasbro? Masters of the Universe is owned by Mattel. Couldn’t you double-check that? Especially since you made a video about the action figures that you so subtly linked in the article?
Also, do you not remember the last time they tried to make a live-action Masters of the Universe movie? Dolph Lundgren, Courtney Cox, most of it taking place in the real world instead of Eternia? Granted, I doubt it will be exactly like the 1987 movie, but given the director is mostly known for dancing movies, this is going to blow.
Also, aren’t you going to give any credit to the person that drew that He-Man picture you’re using? I doubt you did it yourself.

Stories from July 30th 2013

Only two actual articles yesterday? Hmm, seems he’s starting to slack like I predicted.

“Kingdom Hearts 3: Concludes long battle with the Heartless”

You stay away from Kingdom Hearts!

“Kingdom hearts 2 was released in 2005, and well, that was pretty much it.” There were spin-offs, despite what people claim a couple of them were not “pointless”. Birth by Sleep was a well-made prequel that introduced the best battle system in KH and revealed a ton of backstory and mythos. Dream Drop Distance was essentially Kingdom Hearts 2.5 and reveals even more, like Xehanort’s final plan.

“Geez, taking their sweet time eh? Who do they think they are? Blizzard Entertainment?” Blame Final Fantasy XV and Square-Enix’s terrible upper-management. The former took up a ton of Nomura and his team’s time. Also, it’s not rare for a company to delay a sequel for years on end. Final Fantasy XII had a notorious development cycle, as did XIII. Valve’s delays are legendary.

This article is about how KH3 will be the final story with the Heartless, but not the last KH game. This is really old news confirmed either last year or two years ago.

He brings up that the reporter asked about Pixar or Star Wars.
“If it were me, I would have sliced the reporter down with a lightsaber and said, does that answer your question? Ahh a guy can dream!” Then you’d be arrested for murder. Quit it.
“Seriously though, lets just stick to Disney animation properties please. Leave it to Disney’s Game, Infinity to use Pixar worlds.” You realize that it’s not just Disney animation in KH right? There’s been Pirates of the Caribbean and Tron worlds (both Tron and Tron: Legacy). Plus there have been plans to include Woody and Buzz Lightyear, but were scrapped so they obviously wanted to include Pixar in some way. Personally I would love for KH3 to have a world based on The Incredibles or Brave.

“Will Pikmin ever be on the 3DS? Not Bloody Likely!”

I’m the British Irate Gamer, I appear to talk about games that come out in Europe before the US.
Really not much to say about this article, I just wanted to make fun of his title.

“Marvel LEGO Super Heroes -- More Character Confirmations, X-Mansion and more”

“Warner Brothers loves to milk these releases.” Again, I don’t think you understand what “milking” means. Just releasing PR info isn’t milking.
“Jean Grey (who we’ve already spoiled days ago on this site thank you very much!)” Like anyone besides me and your detractors actually reads your site and cares.
“and Viper, who at first I was like, hey, they are adding Polaris into this game?? Sweet! Well I was wrong. And since she looks so much like Polaris, Don’t expect to see her around.” Or they can just give Polaris a different costume, not really that hard.

No mention on how these reveals all tie into The Wolverine? You know, that movie that just came out and happens to have Wolverine, Jean Grey, Silver Samurai and Viper in it?

“Transformers: Fall of Cybertron Figure -- MetroPlex”

This one is about a new Transformer figure that measures in at around 24 inches, making it the biggest Transformer ever.

“However, the towering robot mode will crush anything in its way and make you wet your pants! Hit the jump to see more pictures while I go change my underwear” Gross.

“Sonic the HedgeHog: First Person Shooter Video”

Isn’t this old? I swear this old. *checks* No it came out two days prior to this article. Maybe I’m thinking of something else.
By the way, “HedgeHog”? What is with your spelling?
Also, it’s not a “shooter”, it’s just first-person. Learn the difference between “first-person perspective” and “first-person shooter”.
He also mentions that Machinima is “YouTube’s video game division”. That explains why 95% of it is shit, and why they sponsor DarkSydePhil despite him being a racist dickhead.

Stories from July 31st 2013

“New Mortal Kombat game in development, and Movie news”

“The story was fantastic and seeing all your favorite MK characters upgraded with todays graphics was the icing on the bloody cake.” So we’re just going to ignore all the other 3D titles that had “today’s graphics” at the time of release?
“I’m not sure what you could even do to top the previous one, Maybe another great story?” Rebalances, tweaks, maybe add elements from Injustice? Fighting game sequels are more than just new stories, they’re all new mechanics.
“I still would love to see a Mortal Kombat movie since I’m sure it would be a lot better than the one made in the 1990′s” Which one? There were two movies in the 90’s.

“Nintendo Shipped 160,000 Wii U Units, But it’s Still Not Enough? (Face Palm)”

Of course it’s not enough! That’s really bad no matter how you slice it.
*reads article* Outside of Bores claming Nintendo is “crying” over it, he actually makes a realistic point. There are no games out and the price is too high. Holy shit, Bores actually made sense for once.
Though my informant believes that he may have copy-pasted these thoughts from somewhere else. Considering Chris is suddenly showing a grasp of economics… yeah it‘s possible. One of my readers found he copy-pasted an article about the Xbox One from the Huffington Post. You know, I wanted to look past all the plagiarism, but you’re making it really hard.

“The Flash -- Television Series on the Horizon on the CW”

“DC loves to put its properties on TV, and on the CW no less. Superman, Green Arrow, Wonder Woman, Aquaman, all have been put to test on the small screen,” Because only Batman and Superman seem to work on the big screen. Also, that terrible Wonder Woman pilot? Wasn’t for CW, it was going to be on NBC.
By the way, they use The CW because both the channel and DC are owned by Warner Bros. Just like how Disney owns both ABC and Marvel, and the upcoming Agents of SHIELD show will be on ABC.

“Superman Comic Book Writer, Mark Waid Upset over Man of Steel Movie Ending”

Not really surprised. Knowing how the movie ends, it’s easy to see why he’s upset.

“Seriously? Did we even watch the same movie? I thought the movie was well produced” This has nothing to do with how the movie was “produced”. Waid made it clear that the story pissed him off, not the production.
“and I for one understood why he did what he had to do, and it was a very pivotal moment for the future of the character.” Most people don’t feel that way. A lot of people thought it was wrong, not just professionals.
“Mark, sorry to say this but you’ve turned into a crybaby. You need to step away from the character a bit buddy. You’re definitely working too hard over there if that’s how you felt.” Okay, what’s with calling people crybabies today? First Nintendo, now Mark Waid. What is up with you?
Also, Mark Waid hasn’t worked with DC since 2008. He’s not “working too hard over there”. Plus, Superman was the first character he wrote for DC, so it’s no surprise he’s attached to him.

“I’ve never seen Superman tackled better” Superman The Animated Series? All-Star Superman? Superman vs. The Elite? The first Superman movie? The Richard Donner cut of Superman II? There’s better portrayals of Superman out there.
"and with so many superpowers, the Superman comic’s kinda suck.” Then you’re reading the wrong ones. There’s plenty of good Superman stories out there, go to a forum to get suggestions. Try Alan Moore’s “For the Man Who Has Everything” or “Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow?” or John Byrne’s “The Man of Steel” series, or  Joe Kelly‘s “What’s So Funny About Truth, Justice and the American Way?” or Mark Waid’s own “Kingdom Come”?
“Using emotion as a plot device works on so many levels for the future.” Superman stories have plenty of emotion. You’re an idiot!
"But what do I know, I’m just an Irate Gamer :p" Nothing. You know nothing. You certainly don’t know as much as Mark Waid does. Ugggh.

“Iron Man 3 Toy Display Wow’s Crowd in Animation-Comic-Game Con”

“Its just a superhero day here at theIrateGamer.com.” How is today any different? You talk about superheroes almost every day. In fact, you talk about superheroes more than you talk about video games. So why are you even the Irate Gamer? Maybe you should talk about comic books now since you’re clearly more interested in those. *senses icy stares from Minnesota* Whoa, that was weird.

He then mentions wanting to smuggle these toys out in costumes. More larceny jokes… Do you really want people to believe you’re going to Hong Kong to steal toys? Might as well just burn your money.

Other stories:
“Disney Infinity’s first 20 Power Discs come in blind packs of two at launch”

Stories from August 1st 2013

We’ve entered August and Bores has barely made any videos. But hey, he’s found an easier way to “work”, typing half-assed news articles.

“2013 Comic Con -- 8 Bit Jason Voorhees Exclusive Action Figure by NECA”

You’re still reporting Comic-Con news? It’s been two weeks! There might be a problem with how you’re handling things.
I’m surprised he doesn’t say “expect a review from me some time down the road”. That could cause some issues.
For some reason he updated the article but I can’t find any differences.
*looks at tags* Hahahaha, he spelled LJN wrong.

“Batman Arkham Origins -- Multiplayer mode? Now You can Kill Batman”

Hey publishers and developers? Not everything needs multiplayer! Stop it!

“You can play between Batman, Robin, 3 of Joker’s gang thugs, or 3 of Bane’s gang thugs. Meaning yes you can kill Batman this time.” Not exactly. Considering how Joker and Bane operate, the thugs are likely going to just capture or incapacitate him. The Joker wouldn’t give a measly mook the honor of killing the Bat.

The multiplayer is going to suck either way. It’s being outsourced to Splash Damage, the guys behind Brink.

“X-Men Days of Future Past -- Bryan Singer Updates on Time Frame of Movie”

“I guess all eyes are on X-men Days of Futures Past since its the only movie I get updates too anymore.” Or maybe you need to broaden your scope? All you do is talk about superhero movies, there are others you could bring up like Elysium, The World’s End, Insidious Chapter 2, Ron Howard’s Rush, Machete Kills and that‘s just the next few months. It’s that kind of thinking that caused Pacific Rim to get beaten by Grown Ups 2.

“Beer Bottle Labels in Motion -- Refreshingly Cool”

Has science really gotten to this point? No. These are just animated GIFs Bores found on Tumblr. Making it another “cool pictures I found” post. Funny since 95% of his audience are too young to legally drink.

Other stories:
“Classic Donkey Kong -- Stop Motion Video”
“THOR 2: The Dark World -- Movie Poster Revealed”

Stories from August 2nd 2013

“Super Mario Bros. -- Updated Level 1-2 in 3D with Graphics and Explosions”

This article is about “Super Modern Mario Bros”, a video that “modernizes” SMB with 2.5D visuals and blood. I’m so tired of blood being in places where it doesn’t belong.

“Not sure how Blood got into this Mario game,” They edited it in. It’s not a real game.
“but if Mortal Kombat told us anything, its that Blood equals ravenous fans coming back for more.” … Wha? I don’t see how adding blood to Mario will have fans coming back for more. If anything it will push away a lot of them.
“Well that and me trying to perform fatalities on my kid sister. FINISH HER!” Lovely, sororicide “jokes”.

“NECA Now Teasing an 8-Bit Freddy Kruger NES Version Figure”

I’m actually curious why NECA is making figures based on games most people find underwhelming or straight-up bad. Is there really a big market for this?
“Lets hope for an 8-bit LJN Marty McFly next with the trademark black shirt… oy!” Shouldn’t this be red? *pointlessly colors it in to remind audience what red looks like*

Also, would these really qualify as 8-Bit figures? If they weren’t marketed as such, they could easily pass off as normal Freddy and Jason figures. It’s not like NECA hasn’t made 8-Bit figures before, back in 2007 they made an 8-Bit Simon Belmont figure exclusive to San Diego Comic Con.
http://www.figures.com/databases/news/actionfigures/155/417.jpg You can see it here.

“Tomb Raider Sequel? Square Enix Confirms it for ps4 & xbox one”

“The first game has sold over 4 million copies and I haven’t even gotten around to checking it out yet! Well that’s the life of a video editor. Busy busy” Oh I’m sure you’re crazy busy making… nothing. It’s been over two months since you released a video with any serious editing in it. Everything since then has been E3 footage, your Man of Steel review where editing was minimal, and some Skylanders videos that you didn’t even make, they were sent to you. So don’t sit over there and tell me that you’re “really busy” editing videos.

Unless that’s your real life job now. If it is, I feel so bad for your clients.

That’s it for this week. Video-wise, Bores gave us nothing… again. Except more Skylanders stuff that even his fans are tired of, the day he posted these videos he lost at least 49 subscribers. If he starts doing videos on Disney Infinity, people will start to see him as a one-trick pony. Then he’ll do another rant about Zelda being too kiddy and really get blasted for his stupidity.

I should also mention that Bores claimed “Haunted Investigators” is dead, and it now lives on as Pursuit of the Paranormal. Sure the name is better, but until we see more of it, it’s just as much of a phantom as the ghosts he hunts.
Think we’ll see the Irate Gamer Game sometime this month? Pfffffft.