IG Attempts the News: And We're Back

Things have been so damn slow.
That’s why I didn’t post an “Attempts the News” last week, there was just nothing.
For those that don’t read the comments, here’s why. Only three days actually had news, as Bores went to New York to visit Vicarious Visions, the developers of various handheld versions of Activision games, downgraded versions like Guitar Hero on Wii, Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2 and the upcoming Skylanders Swap Force. Bores wasn’t the only guest as I learned there were other Skylanders YouTube channels that were invited, like “Skylanders Boy and Girl”.
Bores has done so much crap about Skylanders, that he’s considered in the same class as users that have Skylanders dedicated channels. Why doesn’t he just make a separate channel for this? It would keep it away from his child-unfriendly show full of curse words. But that would be logical and Bores can’t have that.

As for the three days that actually had news, there was nothing. Just pictures and a video, and none of it was video game related. Stuff like Superman’s logos through the years, or a part of Mercury that looks like Han Solo encased in Carbonite, or DBZ fan art. Just… a lot of nothing.

Hopefully this week picks up.

Stories from September 23rd 2013

“Conan O’Brien Reviews “Grand Theft Auto V” Clueless Gamer”

First story of the week is a link to another Conan O’Brien sketch. Is this going to be a regular thing now? What’s funny is that Conan does more Clueless Gamer sketches than Bores does actual IG episodes. Considering Conan has an excuse for not doing Clueless Gamer, I would like to hear what Chris says about his lack of output.

So yeah, it’s Conan playing Grand Theft Auto V. I get the feeling this is the most we’re going to hear about GTA V from Bores. He could surprise us though.

“Legend of Zelda – Awesome Wind Waker Themed Stained Glass Window Decals”

What’s this? A Legend of Zelda article that doesn’t whine about the series being “too kiddy” and how it needs to be bloodier and gorier? And it’s about the most “cartoony” Zelda game ever? I’d say he’s matured, but knowing him he’ll bring it up again. Maybe if he reviews A Link Between Worlds next year.

“Skylanders: Enchanted Hoot Loop offered by Gamestop”

More. Fucking. Skylanders!

“I’m not big on hats or repaints so sorry gamestop, you still don’t get my business just yet.” How cute, he’s trying to be like those hardcore gamers that complain about GameStop on message boards because they try to offer subscriptions, making it sound they won’t let you leave unless you buy one, even though they only say it once and it’s merely internet hyperbole. Either that or I have a GameStop that isn’t like that.

“GhostBusters 3 UPDATE News! Ernie Hudson Confirms, Bill Murray Not the Hold up”

“Today we’ve got a “Theirategamer.com” exclusive!” Oh, this ought to be good.

“I ran into Ernie Hudson over the weekend and some interesting news came out of our conversation about Ghostbusters 3. Seems that Bill Murray is not really the hold out on the production of Ghost Busters 3 that everyone on the internet is rumoring he is. In fact, Ernie revealed to me that some of the rumor mess was actually started by another reporter taking what he said out of context.” … Uh huh. You do realize that an actor isn’t the most reliable source for stuff like that.  What I’m saying is, don’t get your hopes up for Ghostbusters 3 ever coming. I doubt it will even be good.
Just don’t take what an actor says at a convention as fact, always take it with a grain of salt. That’s why I never told the Unfiction forums that actor Doug Jones (Hellboy, Pan’s Labyrinth) has been talking with the Marble Hornets creators about the upcoming movie after I asked him about Slender Man at a convention. … Shit! *hides*

“Gotta love some of the morons spreading misinformation out there.” … Does Bores have zero sense of irony? I mean really.

Stories from September 24th 2013

“Dragon Ball Z: Battle of Z – Gets Day One Bonus in early 2014”

Oh great, he’s talking about Dragon Ball again. Yeah, you lost your Dragon Ball fan card after you tried to defend the live-action movie before it came out.

“Folks that purchase a Day One edition will receive a code to download a special Naruto costume for Goku.” Eww, keep that crap out of DBZ. That’s a terrible pre-order incentive.
“I guess worlds are now colliding eh?” I direct your attention to Jump Superstars, Jump Ultimate Stars, Battle Stadium D.O.N. and the upcoming J-Stars Victory Vs. What’s that? They don’t count because they were never released outside of Japan? First off, shut up. Second, there’s mountains of rights issues involved with getting these games published in the West. Of course, this Naruto costume is weird since Funimation owns Dragon Ball while Viz owns Naruto. Must be a Namco-Bandai thing.

“Batman: Arkham Origins: Two New Characters Confirmed – Riddler, Lady Shiva”

Is it really a surprise the Riddler is in the game? He’s responsible for the collectables and artificially lengthening the game, of course he’s showing up.

Blah blah IGN blah blah Lady Shiva is obscure  blaaaah.

“Also the Riddler will once again be featured in the game along with his “Riddler Trophies” for players to collect in order to make you go insane trying to collect them all. Since I have a full schedule already, don’t expect me to collect more than 5 of those things. I’m a busy guy dang it!” With what? Throwing all your money away on a stupid ghost hunting movie that nobody is going to care about? Quit acting like you're so damn important that you won’t have time to do extra stuff in video games. Unless it’s Skylanders then all the time in the world is available for that crap.
Also, is it really a shock he never 100% completes  a game? The man barely plays most of his Neo subjects for an hour, like hell he’d ever collect all the Riddler Trophies in an Arkham game.

“Online Casino Gaming Beyond Card Tables”

That’s strange, I have adblock on for his site so I shouldn’t be able to… this is an article. This is something Bores wrote. Oh no.
*reads through* Oh… oh wow. This is such a sell-out move. I know he has ads for gambling sites but this… I can’t even.

“When most of us think of online casino gaming, our minds jump immediately to the games that exist in films like “Ocean’s11,”or in real life casinos at glamorous resorts all over the world” Why even bring up Ocean’s 11? Just… why?

Then he lists off some of the games available on this site he’s promoting. Chris, your fans are 12 years old. You’re telling them to gamble REAL money away. You call me out (in your mommy mask) for telling people to drink (in a game that you don‘t seem to understand), but here you’re telling people to gamble!  I just… I don’t even know now.

“Skylanders Swap Force Preview pt 2: Gameplay Mechanics, Giants Areas, Unused concepts”

Normally I wouldn’t bring up these posts, which are just links to videos on his YouTube channel. However, the “genius mind” of Chris Bores forgot to include the link. And like most mistakes on his site, he’s probably not going to fix it. Bravo.

Other stories:
“Super Mario Bros. – Dad Creates Mario World Themed Bedroom For Daughter”

Stories from September 25th 2013

“GTA V Earns $1 Billion In 3 Days? Yeowza!”

Oh, he actually brought up GTA V again. Looks like I was wrong.

This is probably the laziest article he’s ever done. Because he only wrote one part.

“It took 3 days for GTA V to reach 1 billion big ones. But instead of my crazy remarks, Here’s Joel Johnson from joel@socialmonsters.org to add his 2 cents about this minestone event:”

The rest of the article is copy-pasted from what this Joel guy said. Why the laziness? Probably because Bores has never touched a GTA game in his life, and in his little bubble it doesn’t matter to him.
Oh and this story is old news considering it was five days late at the time of posting.

“Star Wars ‘Lifesize’ Star Wars AT-ST Walker For Sale”

Oh look, more pointless collectables that few people can afford.

He calls out the seller for calling it life-size, and points to the Star Wars Wiki to show he’s wrong. But Bores, I thought you said Wikpedia was wrong all the time? Sure, it’s the Wookieepedia, but isn’t that essentially the same thing?

“don’t worry we all do it. That’s how death stars are destroyed.” The irony of saying that everyone “miscalculates” while not even bothering to capitalize his sentences, or Death Star.

“Star Trek Teleportation Illusion Fools Mall Shopping Idiots”

Why are they idiots? Because they reacted positively to an illusion? If that’s your attitude, then don’t go to a magic show.

He also spoils the ending to the video where they show how they did it. Why even bother linking the video?

“And you thought I was gonna say David Copperfield didn’t you. Well your wrong!” My wrong? My wrong what? Oh wait, you once again confused “your” and “you’re”. Jeez…

Stories from September 26th 2013

“NES Nintendo Game Music Played Real Time By Piano & Robotic Percussionist”

Oh for the love of… he screwed up the formatting of the post again! The title isn’t in big white letters, it’s just a small blue link.

“Boy this would’ve been a real hit back in the old west.” … No it wouldn’t. If by some freaky chance this could be played in the early 1900’s,  nobody would care. It would just sound like normal piano music, people wouldn’t have any connection to it because THOSE GAMES DIDN’T EXIST! Just because Nintendo was around during that time doesn’t mean the games were.

“Heck, I need to put this stuff in the next western movie I make.” You’ve made a Western movie before? That must be a train wreck. Could you imagine a Western made by Bores? It would be the final scene from The Good, The Bad and The Ugly but with Bores playing everyone, and then references  to unrelated movies would happen.

“Hit the jump for the video of the system playing Super Mario Bros 1 – 3, Zelda, and uhhh, well that’s it. hmm wheres the love for Metroid?” He probably only wanted to compose music for those four games because they’re the most popular. Ungrateful bastard.

“Super Mario Statue – Tanookie Suit Plumber Exclusive from SMB3”

Couple of things. One, there’s no “e” in Tanooki. However, I’ll let this slide as the “First 4 Figures” site also got it wrong by calling it “Tanook” (only once though). Two, this isn’t based on the Super Mario Bros. 3 Mario. This is clearly based on the Super Mario 3D Land one, another game where you wear the Tanooki Suit. It clearly says in the product description it’s based on Super Mario 3D Land.
You know, that game you played at E3 two years ago? You put it on your Top 5 Best of E3? Then again, you rarely talk about the games featured on that list. If I may digress for a bit?

2011 you only talked about Ninja Gaiden 3 and Sonic Generations (which you didn’t even play, you stole the footage and passed it off as your own). You never looked at Super Mario 3D Land, Kirby Wii (now called Kirby’s Return to Dream Land) or Kinect Star Wars (not that you could even play it in that tiny room of yours). 2012 you only talked about Injustice and Rayman Legends (after E3 2013 but that wasn‘t your fault), nothing on Tomb Raider 2013, The Last of Us, or New Super Mario Bros. U. You didn’t even bother with a 2013 list.

Bottom line, do you fucking research.

“18 Very Funny Grand Theft Auto V Glitches”

Another GTA V article? I know what’s going on now. Bores got out from under his rock and learned GTA is a massive franchise, and now he’s cashing in. He’s “writing” up a bunch of articles about it in the hopes that it will bring him hits and thus earn even more money. It’s the same thing people like Tobuscus, iJustine, or DSP do when they blind LP the hottest new games on the day they’re released. Only Bores is not smart enough to do something like that (if you think it’s a  skill problem, clearly you’ve never seen DSP).

“This video, compiled from a number of YouTube videos by AmazingFilms247, has some glitches that I should put in my game.” Oh wow! Hey Chris? Your game is out, it’s been out for about a month. You do realize this right?
Also, your game is nothing but a glitch. It’s a poorly programmed pile of puke. Controls are busted, there’s next to no enemies, gameplay is boring, and really I don’t see how adding glitches can make it “better”.
Here’s the thing, those glitches? They weren’t intentional, that’s why they’re glitches. “Intentional glitches” only exist in games that are trying to be meta (like Saint’s Row or that Matt Hazard game). You can’t pull that off in your shitty iOS sidescroller!
Also, it’s rather adorable that you think you still have some control over it. How much did you pay Mad Media Labs? It was probably too much.

I looked at the video (by searching it, because clicking it on his site means he gets referred and … that’s not going to happen). Most of those “glitches” are caused by cheat codes like “No gravity”. That seems unfair, and would explain why I don’t see them.

“South Park: The Stick Of Truth Release Date and Action Figure Goodies”

Holy shit! Actual video game news!

… Yeah that’s all I have to say about that. But wow, that’s a surprise.

Stories from September 27th 2013

“Mega Man – The Board Game?”

You know, I’m just completely numb to any stupid idea Capcom has now. I just don’t care anymore.

“Want a Mega Man Board game?” I think people would prefer a video game, but what do consumers know?

Other stories:
“Seusstastic Park – the Jurassic Park, Doctor Seuss Mashup”

That’s all for this week. Jeez, I wrote more than I thought I would.

Video wise, just more Skylanders crap. Only a couple more weeks until Swap Force comes out and he’ll shut up about it for a few months. Then they’ll announce Skylanders 4 and the cycle will begin anew. *sighs* God damn Activision.